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Ouch! My teeth have gone all renegade cowboy on me.

I’m seriously dying. Or my teeth are. Or my whole mouth is really. If it weren’t for sweet Lortab and souped up Ibuprofen I would probably not even be able to write this. I would be on the ground in a little/giant puddle of tears wishing I was in the olden days and someone would just put me out of my misery by yanking all my teeth out and then giving me a bunch of wooden ones. I would be so happy at first. Then, probably sad with my poor ass wooden teeth. But then! Someone would paint tiny scenes of Mayfair poles on them and I would once again be happy.

More importantly, pain free.

So. Crippling mouth/teeth pain. What to do?

That’s right. Consult the internet.

Here’s what the internet had to say to me:

See a qualified dentist asap. Later, put your wisdom teeth on a necklace and wear them in public. Women have an odd sense of curiosity about teeth on a necklace…until you tell them what they are.

Oh really? First, the practical advice. See a dentist. Make that a qualified dentist. I guess my back alley dentist/crack dealer is out.  Too bad.

Next I’m to put my wisdom teeth on a necklace.


Ok…check. Wait, what sort of a necklace? There’s a lot of choices. I could go with hemp and be hippie chic…only, I hate nature and patchouli and, right, hippies. (I don’t really hate hippies, just hippy shit).

I could go with a gold chain but I don’t have the money.

I think I’ve got one of those silver ball chains around somewhere. I’ll use that.

Then I will impress the ladies! Because everyone knows they have an odd sense of curiosity about teeth on a necklace. They will crowd around me, ignoring that guy with a puppy. They will be like, ‘oh wow, look at that beautiful necklace! I have such an odd sense of curiosity about it!’

Then I’ll be like, “It’s teeth. My teeth. How do you like me now?” as I flash my mayfair pole chompahs.

Then, according to the internet, they will lose all interest and run away.

Which will cause me pain.

Which means I’m right back where I started. Damn.


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