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Therapy Monday! Like riding a bike, right? You just get back on and go even if you haven’t ridden in 20 years and your legs hurt just looking at it?
So, big news. No, that builds it up too much. Let’s just call it kind of news.
I did it! I had the hardest conversation I’ve ever had with my doctor. And I know you’re thinking, this conversation shouldn’t be that hard. Unless you’ve been in my situation, in which case you know what I’m talking about.I went in for a physical last Friday and fessed up. This anxiety thing is too much. It’s impeding my ability to enjoy pretty much anything I’m supposed to be enjoying and that sucks. It’s starting to fill my head with images that could play out on the national news and that sucks. It’s to the point that I’m actually anxious about being anxious and THAT SUCKS.
When I put it this way, asking for help sounds very reasonable. But there’s nothing to be anxious about…yet. <—-see, right there?! That’s the shit this bitch will do to you!
Anyway, what? Right. The conversation – there’s nothing to be anxious about. So, when I started the conversation with my doctor, I essentially said, “Hi. Yes, that’s great my blood pressure is athlete low. Oh, my cough is clearing up. Excellent, excellent. sooo…I’m having trouble coping…with..life.”
Which sounds completely ridiculous and the minute it was out, I wanted to take it back. Be all, just kid-ding! Of course I can manage the daily dealings of life. HAHA, Christmas? No problem, who freaks out about Christmas, RIGHT? Hahahahaohmygodhelpmepleasexmas the crowds, ohhhh, the crowds
But the truth was (x-files) out there. My doctor was adorably caring and concerned. He asked me about symptoms and I’ll list them here so you can know. My main physical manifestation is in my stomach. As in, it feels like a million rapid dogs ripping their way out. I also get bad headaches and, occasionally, a racing heart. Emotional manifestations include anger and more anger and being irritated at flies. Flies are everywhere, I don’t understand that at all. Where do they come from and why do they suddenly get in my face? Psychological manifestations (these are the worst) include being sure something insanely horrible is going to happen and then picture the insanely horrible thing that for no reason feels completely real. Even though it isn’t.
Again, when I write it out like that, the problem sounds very dramatic and urgent.
But then I have to add – that’s my reactions…to…life. And I feel stupid.
My doctor clarified the largest freak outs by explaining that when a person is under stress (read: life) and more stress is added on top of that (read: effing mall at christmas), person’s brain has a chemical meltdown. He didn’t say meltdown because he’s professional but you get the drift. The result is an anxiety attack. Finally,he gave me a questionnaire from a big stack of questionnaires – isn’t it nice to know you aren’t the only one? That like, an entire stack of people need help.
I answered as honestly as I could and he very patiently discussed options with me.
Doctor: You know yourself and this is your body.
Me: So what should I do????
Doctor: I can only give you the information to make a decision. I can’t make the decision for you.
Me: This is making me really anxious. Do these options come in direct injections? Also, I’ll need a monkey to inject me because I don’t like needles. They make me very nervous. God, this is, just…hard. Are injection monkeys covered by insurance?
In the end, I decided to go with lorazepam to treat the occasions of overwhelming anxiety. I chose this over daily medication for several reasons. Mainly, I take measures that I find effective to control the daily stuff in my own way, ways like exercise and water and other tricks (I’ll elaborate in comments if you want me to). I assured the doctor that, since lorazepam is addictive, if I find myself needing it more than every couple weeks or so I would call him.
I will if I need to. The great thing about hard conversations is that once you have them, it’s easier to have the next one.
What conversation have you had with your doctor or someone else that was incredibly hard but that you were happy you had it? If you haven’t had that conversation, what do you think is holding you back? Also, feel free to list your current medications. Or if you have questions about lorezepam, I’ll try to answer them from a patient point of view. OR leave stories of the time when lorezepam was used so you could spend less money at the bar and still get really really drunk. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
You may have heard of it. 4th of July? It involves fireworks and Danny marching down the street to “yell” at assholes.
So, I checked out this book Overcoming Anxiety for Dummies. It’s about overcoming anxiety. For stupid people. Like myself, I guess. Only this piece of shit book really is a piece of shit. It’s ramped up my anxiety levels. That is not what it promised! It promised to overcome them. But instead they lay out all these scenarios that make my heart race.
Like, ok, in one little box they showed the statistics of liklihood for dying in horrible ways. The point was that you are more likely to die in a plane than by a snake bite. Yippedee fucking do for snake fearers but now I’m even more paranoid about planes. Because I have a higher chance than snakes! Snakes are everywhere! Even ON planes.
Now, not only am I still scared of flying, I’m also a wee bit terrified of snakes.
Danny, of course, thinks the whole thing is ridiculous. Mainly because Danny has no anxiety what so ever.
Wait. Scratch that.
Danny worries about strange things that have no bearing in reality. Currently, he’s very concerned that people are taking bites of his food before he gets there. I mean, he gets a sausage at a breakfast place and is all,
“Do you see that? Is that a bite?”
Me: Wtf? No, that’s not a bite! Paranoid!
Danny: It looks like a bite. Like the cook took a bite of this sausage!
Me: It’s an anomaly.
Danny: No, it’s not! Look, it’s a curve and it’s different from the other sausages.
Me: You mean, like an anomaly?
I know. Then the other day, he was convinced some rogue hungry baker had taken an early bite of his brownie.
But back to me. This book also has you ask yourself questions like, ‘how does this anxious thought affect me? What will happen if this thought comes true?’
You know what happens to me when I think about anxious thoughts coming true? I GET FUCKING ANXIOUS.
I need a new self help book. Or a free therapist. Any recommendations?
Also, I guess the mommyblog page reset. So click the juggling whore. That way mommies can find my blog and be like, ‘this is not a mommy blog. you’re a self obsessed cad. I hate you.’
Whew, it’s that time again. F to the U to the DAY. That should be a football cheer. Or futbol. World Cup. Whatever.
<—-this well endowed (that’s a really big finger is all I’m saying!) dude is a link. Click on him if you want to see lots of other people and their rage.
What? Wait – you can’t do TWO things at once.
Wellll, F you. This is the goddamn internet. And the goddamn internet is RENEGADE. That means I can do whatever I want. You can’t even stop me. All you can do is start your own blog or leave a hateful comment here.
But don’t do that because it will hurt my feelings and I will make it my goal in life to destroy you (virtually).
F you friends who go out of town – Good going. Way to make me sit here all bored and shit. Plus, it’s my birthday weekend. Didn’t think about that did you, anonymous friend whose name starts with an E? No you did not. I hope you choke on Chicago pollution….are you home yet? Let’s hang out.
F you World Cup – I guess this is a cup that the whole world wants to own? Kind of like Helen and the golden apple except the reward isn’t being called beautiful and having sex with hot guys, it’s winning a cup. And respect. Or something. Not clear on the whole concept. What I am clear on is that people will not stop talking about it. It almost makes me miss the oil.
F you anxiety – could you leave for one day? ONE day? I wonder what it’s like to just wake up and actually believe that everything will be alright. Seriously. I feel like maybe if I were a circus clown I would be anxiety free but I am not talented like clowns are. I worry that if I do think things will be fine then that will trigger the bad, like the Universe will be all, ‘what the – no, you need the fear. You can’t just relax, here’s some bad bad shit down on you so you will learn.’
Happy to Birthday to me! Birthdays are great and fun. I got a cool pop up from my mom (yes, I collect pop up books but remember that my husband recruits aliens so my arrested development is pretty ok) and some nice cards. Tonight I will sip on a gin and tonic and toast myself. It’s what I do best.
Hugs and Chugs. Leave your f’s in the comments.
The f stands for future.
No it doesn’t.