You guys.

It’s freezing up in here.

It’s nearly as cold as it is outside which is…hang on let me check my weather app…29 degrees. That’s below freezing which makes inside freezing. And I’m not at my house, I’m at work.

This shit should be illegal.

I should sue someone. Only it would have to be the state and he doesn’t have any money.

I guess a boiler broke which is the kind of irresponsible crap that happens on the island of Sodor but this is the library of Oklahoma! What the hell.

I have a proposal to write but I can…not…think…mind…like…a…frozen…slug… which is the slowest creature of all.

I’ll try to find something to illustrate myself.

That is me. Metaphorically.

Is anyone still even out there?

Shit is getting weird.

It’s like I have this life right? And this life pretty much consists of chasing babies, and doing training and wondering if Christopher Pike ever got my fan letter then wondering why I’m wondering about Christopher Pike when I should be wondering why my goddamn hernia is back. But then I forget that and start wondering about manufacturing powerdered cream and if they put the flavoring in first or last. I mean, do they make specific batches of hazelnet and vanilla or is it one big batch and then the vanilla or hazelnut flavor blasts are added later?

Important questions.

So life is rolling along smoothly when BAM!

Weird shit.

All everywhere and unignorable. And I’m very good at ignoring things. Things like Danny. Who by the way, is confused by email.

I know.

Weiiiiiirrrd.

Weird started when Danny virtually informed me that there was a scorpion on the back porch. Mother effer NO.

Scorpions are some southwest nonsense. They are reason #3456 not to visit Texas.  They are meant to be painted in sequins on the jacket of some leathery Santa Fe retiree. They are not supposed to bring their evil asses to Oklahoma!

Go ahead, it will relieve the tension.

Except now they do. To make matters ever worse, it was a small one and Danny killed it. You are saying, ‘what’s the problem there Sadie?’

The problem there imaginary internet friend, is that that little scorpion was probably the scout. So now, when he doesn’t return all his bigger scorpion buddies will know that they have to be stealth bombers in this invasion. So instead of crawling up my backyard where I can fire bomb them they will drop down in my shower and I will FREAK OUT and they will crawl in my ears Christopher Pike style and that will be that.

As usual, the Japanese have already prepared for the insanity - with guns, ambigious sexuality, and prisons.

I don’t have time to worry about this weirdness.

Then this already red state had to go completely batshit insane and elect all red, even in my district. Which should not have happened. Seriously. Everyone said that would not happen. But. it. did.

Weird.

Finally, Fox has decided that he is various types of bugs. All, ‘oh mommy I’m a little spider and you are a big spider.” and “These pajamas make me a bee! Say goodnight bee, mommy, say goodnight bee – say it!”

That’s some messed up scorpion alliance talk right there.

How’s the weird on your end?

I had to take to the bloggedy for this. Because a “friend” and I are having a moral debate. And in general, I’m not really a fan of the whole morality issue so when I engage in moral debates I find myself kind of at a disadvantage.

Here’s the deal. First, understand that dolphins are super-smart, peaceful creatures that aren’t even imaginary like our friend Unicorn Stud. No, they are real! I know! They live in our oceans and manage to handle the pressure of being mammal/fish. How does that even work? It’s magic. Like magnets.

These creatures probably have a lot to offer humankind. They have psychic bonds to the sun and shit. You know what I could use on a daily basis? Psychic connections to the universe. Even though I’m pretty sure I’m partly psychic, mostly with when an episode of Bones is on a channel I hadn’t previously thought of, I would like to be fully psychic. Dolphins can do this for me.

So it makes PERFECT sense to throw yourself into the ocean with a bunch of crystals and give birth with our dolphin friends. I see no problem with this.

I do have a problem with stating that ocean dolphin births are somehow immoral. I struggle with morality anyway. Mainly because, as far as I get, morality is not attached to any consequences. Even if that baby is born with dolphin knowledge, it’s still wrong to have been born in the ocean. According to my “friend” who hates dolphins. Like an asshole.

What’s right, according to this dolphin hating jerk (did I mention he hates dolphins), is having the baby in a hospital with human doctors and blah. That would be the moral choice.

And yet. And…yet. I don’t think that’s moral. I may even go out on a limb and say I don’t think that’s all that rational. Hospitals are fine but I’ve had two friends give birth at home and they were more than happy about that. I’ve had others question their morality about giving birth at home.

It is not immoral to decide to give birth in the ocean. I was going to write a lot about how I feel about the concept of morality and if it even is a concept or an inherent human trait but instead I realized that –

I NEED A FANCY DOLPHIN CONTEST!!!!

Bitches!!!! Yes. Let’s do this.

Double points for dolphins with babies.

Triple points for dolphins and pregnant ladies.

This isn't really a good fancy dolphin. Just more proof that the internet loves pink shit.

I feel pressure. Mega pressure.

Because I think to myself? Self, you sure haven’t blogged alot lately. Then I think, self you need to do this thing with this blog. THEN I think ‘oh hell, haven’t in so long, what to say? There is no magic!’

But that’s not true is it? There is always magic, even if you have to like, I don’t know, scrape it off your crack or something. So what you get is crack magic but it’s still magic.

Today I think it might rain. On park day.

Park Day is when I pick up my daycare kids and go hang out with the stay at home kids. The stay at home kids have not usually spent their day eating dirt so they are cleaner. On the other hand the stay at home kids seem to respect property and where’s the fun in that?

No, this is not a ‘mommy war’ debate so don’t even start with me iwillbeatyourcrackass no magic there. I’m too inner focused (read: self obsessed) to really care what anyone else is doing.

My stay at home moms treat me just like any other mom and vice versa.

The point is that it might rain on park day.

Poor rain. Everyone hates you. This is makes you sad. Well, quit sucking and cheer up like sunshine and maybe we will start liking you again.

Universe. Get out with that.

Park day is sanity day. It’s the day I can look forward to seeing some friends and picking up the boys (picking up from daycare is really a lot of fun). It’s the day I know I can get some Vitimen D which is very important for the eyesight and the health. It’s the day that my boys can eat stay at home mom snacks and I can be all, ‘oh I’m sorry I forgot to put sugar bombs in the car. I’ll totally bring snacks next time, not really! Hey can I have some too? Thanks.’

But I guess the Universe is has other ideas. I don’t know. Maybe grass is higher up on the universe assisting list. Maybe so.

I am really trying to get back into the swing of this…. I swear.

I was going to talk about bewbs but rain seemed magicker.

Ok, so you know how someone will come up to you and be all, “Omjesus you look just like -insert celebrity name here-” and you go, “oh, wow, really? Yeah, really? I guess I can see that.” Then you run home and google them and do your hair like them and watch all their movies and stuff?

One time, a coworker told me her son thought I looked like Penelope Cruz.

Word.

Of course, it couldn’t possibly be because at the time I was dying my hair jet black and trying to pass it off as ‘natural’. Or that I wore this great shiny lip plumbing lipstick. Or that, when I’m tan, I look vaguely and ambiguously ‘ethnic’. No surely not.

This is me/penelope who’s 4.5 months pregnant with Javier Bardem’s baby. And good for her too, because you know Matthew and Tom (HA! The official Tom Cruise website is genius) had their little freak babies so I’m glad it’s her turn.

At the gym, a guy told my dad he looked like Stephen Seagal.

insert photoshop of penelope stephen on a beach with a double rainbow <—- I was totally going to do this but I ran out of time last night. Actually I had to watch Bones. Sweets heavy episode, you understand. Just picture it in your mind.

My husband is Pacey circa season 3.

Then, this other time, this guy told me I looked like Justine Bateman from Fast Times at Ridgemont High and I was all, “the huh?”

and guy was rolling his eyes as if I’d just botched the first line of the Star Spangled Banner or something going, “You know. Fast times! from the 80s.”

Ok. People. Let’s get something straight right now. I was a kid in the 80s. So if you make references like Care a lot! We care a lot! clapclap – I will jump up and down and care bear stare your ass off. If you ask me to find hidden treasure like a Goonie, I will join you. If you, in your infinite awesome crewness, bring me a Teen Witch dress I will love you forever.

However, if you reference 80s pot movies or Tron. I’m just going to start daydreaming about my Hollywood Bardem baby.

The point is –

Sally Kern is no Stephen Seagal but if she wanted to be, I wouldn’t call her confused.

Dream big. Love yourself. Have freak babies. And for god’s sake, find me a Snork backpack.

I don’t know if you follow the headlines but there was this hurricane thing? And the guys here were all omjesus people, PANIC! There will be flooding and news footage.  There will be biblical downpours and poor children in Walmart floaties. There will be car accidents and possibly, hopefully drowned kittens.

Get out your oil lamps! Everyone needs an oil lamp right?

Head for the hills Hermione – no, what? It’s not the girl from Harry Potter who’s supposed to be ‘ugly’ but is really hot? It’s Hermine? What the hell kind of name – whatever. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

Hurricanes are really just water tornadoes. That's according to me and microsoft clip art. Science.

So of course, like an idiot I listen to Mike Mofo Morgan with his arms all waving around this weather chart that’s a scary amount of red. I’m like, ‘Mike save me with your text message alerts!” and Mike is all, “NO bitch,  I’ll be in the studio shoving down McBurgers or Double Downs while I piss myself with delight – you must save yourself!”

Then I cried.

Then Hermine came.

And…it wasn’t so bad. I mean, don’t get me wrong I hate hate hate driving in rain but it wasn’t a massive downpour that leaves me shaking and considering unemployment.

So you know what?

Mike Morgan can eat it.

How did you ride out Hermine?

Not really. Nothing wow.

I have a busy important job. We covered this right? Well that job and other weird things have kept me from posting. Which made you cry.

Or grateful. I don’t know. I don’t care.

So I’m back for today. Hopefully tomorrow too? Again. I don’t know. I’m an unpredictable tornado.

I have so much to tell you. Like how only creepy janitors are allowed to work here and how the newest one stares and snorts like Gremlin and how I want to take a shower or a lye bath after he leaves my cubicle.

Or my sister’s wedding which was awesome.

Or how it’s raining raining raining and still too warm for hot chocolate and how I don’t think that should even be possible.

Or how I’ve decided to only use clip art to express myself.

So, the past few weeks, for me, in clip art:

Oh no! Where is all my money? What's that you say? On my head? GETOUTTAHEAH

Have some books - or really databases but there's no database clip art. Databases are pretty ephemeral things, but not like angels which are easy to clipartitize more like the Holy Spirit. Give me a break, I was in a church this weekend.

Happy Weddings Shelbydoll! This is a pretty accurate clip art. Because her husband, Joel (pronounced Joe - Ell) is Venezuelan. Only it is also inaccurate because Shel wouldn't be caught dead in poofy sleeves like that. Unless it was like, a joke wedding.

So what have you been up to?

Seriously. Last night was a mess of waking up. Fox babbling some nonsense about his damn bandaid. I swear that child goes to sleep thinking he’s awake and when he wakes up he just starts where he left off.  Bandaid gets fixed, Fox on couch with the Snuggie (don’t judge, they are wonderful cheap pieces of crap). Fox back up, still on the bandaid. Then Leo. Then Leo some more.

Functioning is done. Gray matter is squishified.

Which means….

survey time bitches~!!!

1. Would you rather be married and miserable or single and miserable? I wouldn’t rather either of these things. Next!

2. Are you the type that when you see someone that looks better then you, you get jealous? No, I get turned on.  I mean, come on. Duh. Stupid question. I get jealous when I see ugly people because I know they get to walk around turned on all the time.

3.  Jack Daniel’s or Jim Beam? Sink or toilet?

4. Who is the cooler Nintendo character: Fox McCloud or Link? Oh god, this is going to cause controversy. Nerds, have at it. My take is that Fox is cooler in the Fonzie sense but Link is cooler in the going on a quest and actually having a fun not shit game sense.

5. Pop-Tart or Toaster Strudel? Tough one. I like the tart for it’s classic shape and array of flavors. But the strudel has better icing and a better overall taste.

Now you!

Hey, remember me? I used to blog here before I got really important?

So…yeah….

Anyway, I’m taking time today to reconnect. Like old lovers meeting across a dark bar and being all, ‘omg, it’s Tom! Wow, he looks just like he did in college. I’ll take another shot and approach him.”

“Oh hey, Stacey. You look great.”

“Actually, it’s Deborah.”

“Right. Sweet Debbie.”

“Deborah. You know, like when Debbie Gibson was all, screw this teen bop madness I’m a Broadway STAH and you can call me DeborAH. Except, I’m a nail beautician and not a sta-”

“Hahaha, oh Debbie you are so funny.”

“Whatever, Tom.”

“Wanna go make out?”

Like that.

I’m sure you wondering what I have been up to. Just work. Oh but I did get this book for my anniversary!

All About Us

Yes!

It’s pretty much the greatest book to ever exist in the history of books existing. Basically, you force your partner to sit down and answer ridiculous questions about your relationship.

I KNOW!

They are questions like, ‘what 3 habits of your partner’s do you hate?’

I’ve been wanting to talk about annoying habits for ages now.

Or ‘what is the most attractive feature on your partner.’

These things make you feel good.

Danny hates it. Or says he does. But secretly I think he loves it.

The lesson of today – I’m a busy lady who won’t blog as much.

And lesson two – dark bars are not the place to hook up with old lovers. That’s for facebook.

finally, lesson three – All About Us, so much fun.

For me.

Danny too, don’t even lie.

What have you been up to?

Oh and I haven’t forgotten Fancy Horse – it’s just very hard to do here.

Oh did you say that you didn’t want the final set of fancy horse entries? Instead you want a depressing post? Well, it’s your lucky day!!

Background: I had a terrible senior year of highschool. Minus the part where they crowned me Queen of Homecoming/Prettiest/Awesomest Girl in School. But even that was a little annoying. Mainly because my asshole date was not at all into it and because I was Student Body President (shut up) so I had to organize the Homecoming Parade/Half Time Show while also riding in it. Not that I’m complaining. The crown, sash and tiara more than made up for my trouble. I love sashes so much. Except on toddler beauty queens. Sashes on toddler beauty queens are wrong.

Ok, sorry, anyway my senior year really sucked for reasons that I’m over and won’t discuss at this time. The result was I couldn’t WAIT to get to college and leave that town behind me. Check.

The problem with running hard is that when you stop you’re with a whole new set of people, who know nothing about who you were or where you came from and they don’t really care. Let’s face it, other people’s pasts are B-O-R-I-N-G. So, when something happens those around you have no clue what you’re talking about or why it hurts.

Case in point:

cue the depressing part

My friend died. An old friend who was sick for a long time and I didn’t even know because I ran and I suck and I’m so sorry. I didn’t even know until this other friend told me and I was all, “huh wha?” but the conversation moved to0 fast. At home my mom was all, “Oh yeah I meant to tell you that. Here’s his obituary.”

Meant to tell me? WTF?

But Danny didn’t know the guy so I’m not sure he cares much when I get quiet and start thinking. That’s what blogs are for. I was going to write a long thing about my favorite memory but I realized that might be a bit much.

So, in conclusion, I miss this friend. I wish I had looked him up and at least told him how fun he was. How much I appreciated his drugs * and his friendship, not in that order.

I’m sad. I’ve been feeling more like going “home” lately. Because all the bad stuff seems so far gone and the all the good stuff and good people feel like they should be closer.

* note: I no longer do illegal stuff (well not big things, sometimes I do jaywalk). I’m a mother, peeps. So chill out. And yes, this note is mainly for my mother’s benefit.

Free Therapy

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Follow me @free_therapy

Click on this Lady!

Vote For Use @ Top Mommy Blogs

Archives

Categories