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Step 1: Don’t have ridiculously long post titles.

Fuck. Me.

Ok well you know what, who cares because no one reads post titles. I could be all, ‘Hey this post is about monkey’s getting tattoos of breasts so they can be more human looking and sexy’ and no one would even notice. Moving on…

This monkey here - cute or sad?

Step 2: Use the Plinky question of the day to combat writer’s block

Hmm, interesting…I do like questions. Today’s questions is

If you could enact one new law, what would it be?


This just made writer’s block worse. Because I didn’t even have writer’s block before – I was going to write about the state of monkey sexuality and maybe there should be a law about that? No, no that’s a waste of my single lawmaking magical ability that is fiction and for fun but I’m suddenly taking really really seriously.

It’s the genie conundrum.

I’ve always said to myself, “Self you need to avoid the shit out of genies. Because genies are baaaaad mojo. They look like they give wishes but what the really give are lessons in humanity. And if there’s one thing I hate more than a monkey paw/ability to turn things into gold with a touch/suddenly being ruler of the world it’s a lesson.  Also, humanity. In general, all of that.”

Bratz + Genies + Internet Marketing = Evil Trifecta

There’s so many possibilities. And how far should I take this law thing. So, ok, I make the law and then do I have to come up with the punishment in case some one breaks the law? And when would this fictious, inevitably self-serving law go into effect?

This is….so….much….pressure.

I can’t do it. I can’t.

I must.

I feel like I should take the fancy highroad and enact some law that requires people to take their fashion advice from the Bills.

But that seems like it would come with all kinds of regulation issues.

or what about doing something that would benefit everyone? Like maybe improving vacation time for all people whose first name begins with the letter S and is me? Like that?

I don’t know. What law would you enact? If you could be a better blogger.


Not really. Nothing wow.

I have a busy important job. We covered this right? Well that job and other weird things have kept me from posting. Which made you cry.

Or grateful. I don’t know. I don’t care.

So I’m back for today. Hopefully tomorrow too? Again. I don’t know. I’m an unpredictable tornado.

I have so much to tell you. Like how only creepy janitors are allowed to work here and how the newest one stares and snorts like Gremlin and how I want to take a shower or a lye bath after he leaves my cubicle.

Or my sister’s wedding which was awesome.

Or how it’s raining raining raining and still too warm for hot chocolate and how I don’t think that should even be possible.

Or how I’ve decided to only use clip art to express myself.

So, the past few weeks, for me, in clip art:

Oh no! Where is all my money? What's that you say? On my head? GETOUTTAHEAH

Have some books - or really databases but there's no database clip art. Databases are pretty ephemeral things, but not like angels which are easy to clipartitize more like the Holy Spirit. Give me a break, I was in a church this weekend.

Happy Weddings Shelbydoll! This is a pretty accurate clip art. Because her husband, Joel (pronounced Joe - Ell) is Venezuelan. Only it is also inaccurate because Shel wouldn't be caught dead in poofy sleeves like that. Unless it was like, a joke wedding.

So what have you been up to?


I just realized that my post title does not, as I intended, bring to mind the fine line between female exploitation and empowerment but rather – pregnancy test results.

Oh, irony.

The fucking irony…

Whatever. I’m going to leave it.

Warning: both but especially the second of these videos are NSFW. <—-that internetz speek for NUDITYVIOLENCEDISTURBING <—-which = awesome

This past week I was assaulted by bras. First practically every gay man I know flashed the new Gaga video on the fb. (which brings up the fine rainbow line of stereotype vs. just having awesome taste – oh yes, btw I’ve converted to GAGA worship. I will throw myself on a rampaging glitter unicorn for her.)

Then another friend of mine was all, ‘oh this shit reminds me of you’. And I was totally flattered because that is my dream come true. Minus the losing of the arm part.  Oh and the yakuza slayings and the death. But the parts about kicking ass and being asian – yes please!

*for those who are all, ‘yaka what? the yakuza are like the mafia, sort of”.

Now there is much to discuss in the Gaga video (the Madonna connection, religious symbolism, etc.)  and the Machine Girl preview but I’m going to focus on the bra.

For purposes of this little rant – exploitation/empowerment, titillation/provocation, oppression/opposition  – also notice how often the English language accommodates alliteration? I love that.

Why the bra, why not the panties?

Yes, why strap guns to bra and not panties. First, because with a bra you get two of them and I imagine, thanks to the close proximity to the hands, better aim. There’s the practical reason.

However, more importantly, strapping a gun to your panties looks like penis. Which is not the point.

So, the bra it is.

You’ll notice in the Gaga video she chooses both an empowering gun bra and an oppressive cross/penis image on her underwear. Discuss.

So what’s the difference between exploitation and empowerment?

That little pink line  – goddamn it there has to be a better metaphor –

Let’s take our friend and songstress Xtina.

Look, I like this bitch. I love her voice and her hair but  –

I'm a dirrrty girl - or a raccoon, either one.

This is exploitive. It, in terms of femaleness or female identity, is a lie. Not that some women don’t like wrestling, I’m sure they do. But Xtina is not doing this to use the testosterone driven imagery of wresting to make a point – she’s doing it to be titillating.

As compared to Gaga in who is using the all women’s prison imagery to be provocative. To tell a truth. Also, other things but that’s for another time.

Equally naked but for different reasons.

Or more bluntly:



Britney (god love her) does titillating very very well. But titillating as an art form is unsustainable. Why? Because it takes little effort to both produce and participate. Wham Bam Thank you Mam.

Madonna does provocative very very well. Provocative art is sustainable because it can evolve and requires much audience/reader/viewer participation in order to exist. Madonna exists because we question/challenge/adore her.

Brittany exists because we watch until we’re bored.


Now look I loves me some Brit.  Why? Because she is straight bat-shit crazy and because she does titillate me and being titillated feels good. I like sparkle bras as much as the next lady:

I would totally rock this in the privacy of my own home.

But sparkle bra is not at all who I am.

Drill bra is a different story….

Of course, like I said, it’s a very fine line and you can manage to be both exploiting and empowering yourself, it’s possible. There is also the very real possibility that I’m completely full of shit.

And that my friends, is how you kill time on the internet.

As always, Bounce your Boobs.

GAGA kisses and hugs and snugs.

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