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I feel pressure. Mega pressure.

Because I think to myself? Self, you sure haven’t blogged alot lately. Then I think, self you need to do this thing with this blog. THEN I think ‘oh hell, haven’t in so long, what to say? There is no magic!’

But that’s not true is it? There is always magic, even if you have to like, I don’t know, scrape it off your crack or something. So what you get is crack magic but it’s still magic.

Today I think it might rain. On park day.

Park Day is when I pick up my daycare kids and go hang out with the stay at home kids. The stay at home kids have not usually spent their day eating dirt so they are cleaner. On the other hand the stay at home kids seem to respect property and where’s the fun in that?

No, this is not a ‘mommy war’ debate so don’t even start with me iwillbeatyourcrackass no magic there. I’m too inner focused (read: self obsessed) to really care what anyone else is doing.

My stay at home moms treat me just like any other mom and vice versa.

The point is that it might rain on park day.

Poor rain. Everyone hates you. This is makes you sad. Well, quit sucking and cheer up like sunshine and maybe we will start liking you again.

Universe. Get out with that.

Park day is sanity day. It’s the day I can look forward to seeing some friends and picking up the boys (picking up from daycare is really a lot of fun). It’s the day I know I can get some Vitimen D which is very important for the eyesight and the health. It’s the day that my boys can eat stay at home mom snacks and I can be all, ‘oh I’m sorry I forgot to put sugar bombs in the car. I’ll totally bring snacks next time, not really! Hey can I have some too? Thanks.’

But I guess the Universe is has other ideas. I don’t know. Maybe grass is higher up on the universe assisting list. Maybe so.

I am really trying to get back into the swing of this…. I swear.

I was going to talk about bewbs but rain seemed magicker.

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I don’t know if you follow the headlines but there was this hurricane thing? And the guys here were all omjesus people, PANIC! There will be flooding and news footage.  There will be biblical downpours and poor children in Walmart floaties. There will be car accidents and possibly, hopefully drowned kittens.

Get out your oil lamps! Everyone needs an oil lamp right?

Head for the hills Hermione – no, what? It’s not the girl from Harry Potter who’s supposed to be ‘ugly’ but is really hot? It’s Hermine? What the hell kind of name – whatever. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

Hurricanes are really just water tornadoes. That's according to me and microsoft clip art. Science.

So of course, like an idiot I listen to Mike Mofo Morgan with his arms all waving around this weather chart that’s a scary amount of red. I’m like, ‘Mike save me with your text message alerts!” and Mike is all, “NO bitch,  I’ll be in the studio shoving down McBurgers or Double Downs while I piss myself with delight – you must save yourself!”

Then I cried.

Then Hermine came.

And…it wasn’t so bad. I mean, don’t get me wrong I hate hate hate driving in rain but it wasn’t a massive downpour that leaves me shaking and considering unemployment.

So you know what?

Mike Morgan can eat it.

How did you ride out Hermine?

Flip Off Friday  – ruling queen of flip, Gigi

We know the drill right? Just get pissed off. Easy. In fact, I’m already there.

F you Java Dave’s – Caffeine is great. I like it lots. But the thing is…too much caffeine sucks. I really would like to drink your tasty coffee without feeling like I have a vibrator jammed up my ass the rest of the day.

F you rain – go away. Come again another never. The kids getting swept away are breaking my heart. You make everyone sad and destroy property and the news loves rain a bit too much. Rain is the new tornadoes. You know how much I hate those bitches.

SHOUT OUT to the Norman Wizard – Thank you most powerful Wizard. Your super awesome crew magicK has kept us flood free. We love you. We give you respect and cherries and one day I will leave a skinned goat at your tree.

Your turn!

You guys. I want to vomit. Are you watching the news? Or the weather?  If so you may notice that Oklahoma Shitty is straight floating away. Wonderful. You know what I need on top of an already stressful week? This.

Balls.

I get ready to leave this morning and Danny has on his weatherlust face but I’m all ‘whatever, it’s summer, no bad things happen in summer, except extreme heat and unscheduled splash pad shut downs.’

Then Danny is all, “Oh you may not want to go in. It’s flash flooding.”

This is a dramatic recreation of my situation...with pigs.

Moi: What the fuuuu—heck? <—noticed the baby at the last second, that’s good fucking parenting right there.

So out the door I go into crazy mad standing pools of water. Only it wasn’t just outside the door so I thought it would be ok and that Danny and radar were just…I don’t know, wrong?

At work water is in the windows. The library basement is flooded.  I’m yelling “Don’t use the elevator” everytime someone walks in the door and guess what? Every lazy ass person is getting on the elevator!

I’ve assigned myself the bastian of eletrical safety and if someone gets trapped/electrocuted/starves in that elevator I will feel responsible. Stress.

Books are in danger of getting wet. Stressssssss.

I still have to commute home. STREEEESSSSSS.

This is what happens to people under stress. First you fade to blue. Then arrows shoot out of your pressure points.

How do people handle this calmly?  Some even seem to be enjoying it.

I’m telling those bastards to get on the elevator.

The only bright spot is that a coworker is stuck at home with someone from the Weather Channel. And we all know how I feel about the possibility of getting on national television in a ‘person on the street’ interview. Sweet.ness.

So, here I sit, in need of some serious weather therapy.

Norman hasn’t gotten rain. Does this mean we appeased our wizard?

Does mentioning the wizard during a crisis negate all wizard appeasement? Like I’m distracting wizard from his runes or something?

STREEEESSSSSS.

Yesterday, my hot friend JP pointed out that maybe we in Nompton have been pissing off our wizard. Wizards are not like puppies, wizards are more like cats. You need to take care of them and show them some goddamn RESPECT. If you are in a coastal town, maybe you have mermaid protection? I am told mermaids are very easy to care for and only need the occasional Tom Hanks dropped in the ocean for nipple play and light chuckles. Good for you coastal towns. We here on the plains have some serious wizard tending to do.

Wizard Comments & Graphics

If only I had read the signs sooner!

~Magickal Graphics~

But how can I discover how to make our wizard happy?

I started by making a list of all the things wizards like:

  1. Wizards like pointy hats.
  2. Wizards like lizards.
  3. Wizards like making stuff with their hands.
  4. Wizards also like making stuff in pots.
  5. Wizards like adoration and worship and kings, in that order.
  6. Wizards like using their magick.
  7. Wizards like beards.
  8. Wizards like living alone or with a cat/owl/ferret

So here’s what we need to do. We need to start talking about the wizard wherever we are, just casually mentioning how great he is and stuff. Then we can be all, “oh wizard, I didn’t see you standing there.”

We need to be nice to cats and owls and ferrets as we never know which of these might be our wizard’s petfriend.

We need to wear pointy hats and grow beards, yes even the ladies.

We need to sacrifice lizards in pots.

Finally, for gods sake, start saying ‘magic’ with a K! I feel this is the most important step. Wizards are very old school and refined and goth and shit.

So, if you are reading this wizard of mine – please I love you and your magicK. Do not let the storms hit Norman tonight and I promise I will get neked pictures of the Oklahoma City Witch. Again, I love you and your powers.

If you have any other wizard appeasing ideas, leave them in the comments.

In Oklahoma there’s an entire season devoted to tornadoes. It sucks. Today sucks. I’m a city away from my kids. Commuting sucks. People keep commenting on keeping on eye on those storms. People suck. But mostly, tornadoes suck.

I can't tell which is more frightening - the tornado or the cameltoe.

I was here in 1999 when the biggest tornado in history hit. I worked in a library and remember watching the tv at the circulation desk, listening to students debating trying to make it home. People telling others to get away from the damn windows! By people, of course, I mean me. No one listened. Afterward, my friend’s boyfriend who was a paramedic told us horrific stories.

There’s nothing to do but wait. Because it could be nothing. A little rain, maybe some hail. Or it could be something. Just…wait.

I spend days like this just wanting it to be over. The day. The storm. The tummyache. The comments. The speculation. Oh god, the speculation.

When storms come in Oklahoma, everyone is an expert. So all day long there are predictions. This will be huge. This will destroy half the city. It’s coming! It’s coming! Danny, who actually studies meteorology, tells me not to listen. Then he tells me not to worry. THEN he tells me he’ll just drive away from the tornado which – wtf? With hail all around? Where would you go? What if you misjudge, then you’re in a CAR aka worst place to be.

So, I just worry. And hope the cloud cover holds. Hope my friends will be ok. Feel tiny. What else can I do? To make things worse our tv is broken. Great.

A few things have been pissing me off lately. I know. I had such a good happy run there! I was all smiley and peace loving and shit. But then Danny had to say the word. The send me into a panic/water storing/straight freak out mode word.

Tornado.

In case you're unfamiliar, this is a tornado.

Fucking tornadoes ihatethemsomuch. Sooo much. I do not even get the point of them? It’s like wind gets an inferiority complex on being the most mild of the weathers so it goes all bat shit crazy and kills cows and people. Not to mention all the damage and then insurance companies cry. It’s so pointless. Plus, in the end? I still don’t respect wind. YOU HEAR THAT WIND? I still don’t respect you. I can still drive in you. I even enjoy a slight bit of you every once in a while. So this tornado business is ineffective. Quit it.

But Danny thinks wind is super awesome crew when it starts spinning. He gets all worked up, runs outside, calls his little dork weather buddies, pulls up secret access NWC sites. Meanwhile, I’m in the corner crying but he doesn’t care. Because tornadoes are his mistress and he loves them. He wants to crawl inside a tornado and live forever. Ass.

Then I have to deal with the weatherfools breaking in on my important programming.

Brilliance courtesy of The Lost Ogle.

I appreciate them for saving my life but they, like Danny, are practically jumping out of their skin with excitement. Oh, since I can’t get it to link in the caption, find the Lost Ogle here.

Whatever. Tornadoes.

The other thing is people in the fast lane going slow. I’m about to go Barry on them.

The other other thing is my neighbors are back in garden mode. These people. There’s literally a green line between our yards. They already have a full lawn and ours is still kind of dead. They water constantly which makes my back yard a mud pit. But I can’t really say anything because they love Jesus and flowers and caring for animals. Somebody has to. I just wish they would back off a bit.  Or do our lawn too.

Tell me something that either pisses you off (misery loving company and all that) or something really great that will make me forget the hell of tornadic activity, drivers and neighbors.

Did you know that it’s going to snow?  Yeah.  It is.  Tomorrow and maybe Friday and maybe we’ll all lose power and be buried underneath all the snow drifts.  Of fluffy ice-sleet-snow.  That’s going to fall tomorrow.  Did I mention?  Snow.

Now, some of you in other parts of the country are all, ‘wtf EVER Oklahoma.  It’s just snow.  In fact, we deal with it quite often.’  To which I say 1.  Bully for you, now shut up.  and 2.  your snow and weather is probably normal where as our weather is seriously bat balls crazy.

Snownadoes.  I wish I were kidding.  That’s what happened on Christmas Eve.  Fucking tornadoes, wrapped in snow.  Also, hee!  “wrapped” and “Christmas” – classic me!

Thankfully we’ve got some crackerjack weather men.  There’s Mike Morgan* who hopes at least one person freezes to death outside the studio so he can get a live shot.  There’s Gary England** who’s losing it.  Seriously.  He makes no sense anymore.  And the guy from Fox who broke his finger drunk at a party*** (they don’t even deny this).  Local Fox25 is awesome – not to be confused with national Fox News which makes me want to chew glass and put my eye out with a raptor claw.

Here’s Channel 4’s latest with David Payne: (I tried to embed but it didn’t work – sorry).

First of all, where is Mike Morgan? Huh? I DEMAND MORGAN! Second of all, that’s great that Colorado is going to get “dumped on”, really fascinating stuff and has so much bearing on what I’m worried about. Third of all, hold me! Fourth of all, nice cheesy snowman graphic and the prediction that “some roads will close”.

Since weatherlove is yet another thing Danny and I don’t exactly share I wasn’t paying too much attention when he told me how this system works. But I heard the words El Nino. El Nino is a weather something or other that basically exists to screw with my life. I will write Mike Morgan and ask him to freak out about it on air. Or I would if he had a facebook like the rest of the civilized world.

Really, this is just a post I wanted to put up to bitch about Mike Morgan.

* and ** – adorable wikipedia entries.

*** – no mention of the finger break in his bio, disappointing.

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