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Shit is getting weird.

It’s like I have this life right? And this life pretty much consists of chasing babies, and doing training and wondering if Christopher Pike ever got my fan letter then wondering why I’m wondering about Christopher Pike when I should be wondering why my goddamn hernia is back. But then I forget that and start wondering about manufacturing powerdered cream and if they put the flavoring in first or last. I mean, do they make specific batches of hazelnet and vanilla or is it one big batch and then the vanilla or hazelnut flavor blasts are added later?

Important questions.

So life is rolling along smoothly when BAM!

Weird shit.

All everywhere and unignorable. And I’m very good at ignoring things. Things like Danny. Who by the way, is confused by email.

I know.

Weiiiiiirrrd.

Weird started when Danny virtually informed me that there was a scorpion on the back porch. Mother effer NO.

Scorpions are some southwest nonsense. They are reason #3456 not to visit Texas.  They are meant to be painted in sequins on the jacket of some leathery Santa Fe retiree. They are not supposed to bring their evil asses to Oklahoma!

Go ahead, it will relieve the tension.

Except now they do. To make matters ever worse, it was a small one and Danny killed it. You are saying, ‘what’s the problem there Sadie?’

The problem there imaginary internet friend, is that that little scorpion was probably the scout. So now, when he doesn’t return all his bigger scorpion buddies will know that they have to be stealth bombers in this invasion. So instead of crawling up my backyard where I can fire bomb them they will drop down in my shower and I will FREAK OUT and they will crawl in my ears Christopher Pike style and that will be that.

As usual, the Japanese have already prepared for the insanity - with guns, ambigious sexuality, and prisons.

I don’t have time to worry about this weirdness.

Then this already red state had to go completely batshit insane and elect all red, even in my district. Which should not have happened. Seriously. Everyone said that would not happen. But. it. did.

Weird.

Finally, Fox has decided that he is various types of bugs. All, ‘oh mommy I’m a little spider and you are a big spider.” and “These pajamas make me a bee! Say goodnight bee, mommy, say goodnight bee – say it!”

That’s some messed up scorpion alliance talk right there.

How’s the weird on your end?

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Science is around you everywhere. At the supermarket. In your home. In the box of books someone so “generously” donated to the library. Why look – learn how to give a sensual massage, that’s anatomy AND health! A car repair manual for a 1988 Ford – how about some electrical engineering!  A…moth? A fucking moth!  Run for your liiiiiivess!

See that? Moths with skull tattoos will sit on your face and make you eat people.

Moths are pure evil. Actually, no, scratch that. Moths are like 80% evil. Pure uncut evil belongs to spiders. Then 90% evil belongs to flying ants because that’s some crazy shit with the flying and being an ant. I reserve lesser levels of evil for the likes of ladybugs (don’t be fooled), sugar ants, cicadas (if you throw one at me I will pass right out) and caterpillars.

Bugs are tiny monsters. If they were bigger they would eat you and digest you in their juices and they would terrorize you and you would have to run from them like those stupid fuckers in Jurassic Park. Only you can’t outrun a man-sized centipede. No, it is impossible.

But!

This is where knowing science is helpful. Science will save your life.

This will never happen. Thank Jeebus.

Fact 1: Bugs will NEVER get man-sized and here’s why. Bugs don’t have lungs. They get their oxygen through their exoskeleton. The air has to pass all the way through. Try taking the corner of a washcloth and putting it in a teeeeeny bit of water. Does it make it all the way to the top? No. That’s what would happen if the bugs got too big. The oxygen wouldn’t make it all the way through. They would at least be very lathargic and you could run them over with a tank. Or, at best, be very dead.  That’s not to say bugs can’t get large, just not Them sized.

Fact 2: Bugs are really stupid. With the exception of a few notable homosapians (cough Jim Inhofe cough) most humans can outsmart them with traps.

Fact 3: Though maybe not a fact so much as a thing that I’ve been told. Bugs’ mouths are small and the deadliest ones, like the Daddy Long Legs can’t bite you. But your feet are still big and you can still step on them. Don’t give me grief for that. I don’t ever step on bugs. I run screaming in fear.

So there you go. Thank you science.

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