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Traffic skeeves me out.

I don’t know. First, it’s transportation and I hate all forms of this. Except teleportation which I trust because that is future technology. The Future is science and nanosomethings. Plus, in the future, they have a prime directivet that says: ‘don’t fuck shit up’.  So teleportation technology is always perfect. Unlike this 21st century bullshit.

Nightmare.

Second, people are ridiculous and if you put them in a car they lose what little of their damn minds they have left. You can be all, ‘ok come over truck that looks like it might fall apart if the wind blows, please enter my lane’ and the truck will just fucking hover next to you. WTF?  ASS! GET OVER! Nothing.

Then, when you finally flip him the bird and speed up, he’ll speed up and cut you off. Because he’s traffic and traffic is a bitch.

Then semis will stall in the middle of the highway. Why aren’t there separate semi highways already?

I can completely understand why people go Barry every day.

Eej therapy

You know what else? I go through all this just to get to work and listen to lung cancer over there try to work out sharing bronchial real estate with tar balls. He’s so traffic.

But not you, lovers.

You are teleportation to me.

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Wow, I just realized that I have slid past the 100 post mark. I guess I missed it. Wonder why…

Oh right, because none of you bitches threw me party. What the hell is the point of readers if they can’t fucking count and throw me a party?  WORTHLESS.

While we’re on the subject –  hello, 100 posts and I’m not famous yet? I’m not rolling around in a pile of bloggedy cash. Travesty.

Also, that’s your fault. You should be spreading the  Free Therapy love like a meme, like an internet cult that gives you orgasms and candy. Honestly, readers, you really need to work harder on this. Don’t you want to see me happy?

Whatever. I’m over it.

Ova it.

Have Wills and Kate announced their engagement yet? I need to know when to order the dozen singing ferrets.

How about you fools? Talk to me. Tell me what is up. Is there anything that I missed while I was writing 100 posts of perfection?

Tomorrow – there will be some poetry. Poetry about Unicorn Stud.

And his pleather.

And plumes.

Naturally.

Til then, hugs and chugs.

File this under, why I love the Japanese:

Popular Sperm Show

Clarification: That link is totally SFW. It’s a clothing brand.

Clarification to the Clarification: Though I have been known to send links to Japanese erotica, so you are right to be cautious. That’s erotica, not porn. Don’t be pervy.

Further Clarification: This is a sperm whale. This has nothing to do with anything ever….um, unless you are talking about whales or the ocean or whales in the ocean, in which case….I think you’re at the wrong blog.

Science teachers everywhere hate discussing the majestic sperm whale. Almost as much as they hate the thought of mispronouncing "organism". Poor science teachers.

I’m going to make a confession.

Here it goes:

Facebook, kiiiiind of makes me feel like I’m 15. And if I’m feeling 15, then I act 15. Which is to say that suddenly I’m vain, insecure, gossipy and yes, a tad of the stalkerish.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being able to reach out to mah peeps at any given time. Post a little message. Respond to an update. I love when people share pictures of their babies or their favorite music videos.

I hate when I feel left out. I hate freaking out that I look fat in a photo and so and so from freaking highschool might look at it. I hate that I posted photos when I was breastfeeding purposefully to show off how great my boobs were (oh man, they were spectacular) but now I try to crop out all chest area. Which isn’t hard seeing as there isn’t any.

So, like the angsty adolescent years, facebook has made it more about me and less about anyone else. Am I the only one? Please say that you use it somewhat immaturely. That, at 30 years old, trying to figure out who has me hidden and why isn’t abnormal.

That wondering why so and so hasn’t responded to a friend request isn’t unheard of.  This could possibly be because I called them a slut in the message I sent with the request. But I totally meant that in a good way!

Look, I’m not giving up facebook because that would be madness. I play scrabble on there. I do enjoy it.  Just wondering what you’ve done that is soooo 15.

Here’s my confession:

I totally stalk ex-boyfriends. And I met my husband when I was 18 so these are highschool boyfriends! Most of them I didn’t ever really like in the first place but now I’m all, ‘Hmmm, he appears to be successful. I wonder what deal he made with the devil to pull -ah, I see, the exchange is his hair. Fair enough.”  But I would DIE if I knew someone was thinking that about me or stalking me.

I want people to know how awesome and successful I am so I try to drop hints on my profile page. Master’s degree people. Two kids. Husband. Suburban home….ah fuck that’s not impressive at all. That’s very everyday situation. Maybe I need to make up a band to be in? I’m very jealous of my friend who is gorgeous and in a band.  You hear me KB? I totally stalk and dress my kid like yours. So…don’t hate me.

I decide I hate people based on outward appearance. Mainly, what pages they fan or “like” or groups they join. I know. Petty.

On the other hand, facebook has reconnected me with lots of great people. I’ve discovered old friendships that I thought were gone. I get to see pictures from places I want to go. Talk to people that, even in highschool or college, I didn’t really know but now I do.

When my son Leo was born, the outpouring of congratulations and he’s so cute and good job lady was amazing. I felt connected to the world. I felt like Leo was connected in that way too. In short, the very reason I live for the internet and the internet lives for me.

Leo as a newbie. Sorry, couldn't resist. Also, aren't hospital baby hats the greatest things ever?

So what if it means, at times, being 15?

Now, make me feel better and post your facebook confessions!!!

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