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Step 1: Don’t have ridiculously long post titles.
Ok well you know what, who cares because no one reads post titles. I could be all, ‘Hey this post is about monkey’s getting tattoos of breasts so they can be more human looking and sexy’ and no one would even notice. Moving on…
Step 2: Use the Plinky question of the day to combat writer’s block
Hmm, interesting…I do like questions. Today’s questions is
If you could enact one new law, what would it be?
This just made writer’s block worse. Because I didn’t even have writer’s block before – I was going to write about the state of monkey sexuality and maybe there should be a law about that? No, no that’s a waste of my single lawmaking magical ability that is fiction and for fun but I’m suddenly taking really really seriously.
It’s the genie conundrum.
I’ve always said to myself, “Self you need to avoid the shit out of genies. Because genies are baaaaad mojo. They look like they give wishes but what the really give are lessons in humanity. And if there’s one thing I hate more than a monkey paw/ability to turn things into gold with a touch/suddenly being ruler of the world it’s a lesson. Also, humanity. In general, all of that.”
There’s so many possibilities. And how far should I take this law thing. So, ok, I make the law and then do I have to come up with the punishment in case some one breaks the law? And when would this fictious, inevitably self-serving law go into effect?
I can’t do it. I can’t.
I feel like I should take the fancy highroad and enact some law that requires people to take their fashion advice from the Bills.
But that seems like it would come with all kinds of regulation issues.
or what about doing something that would benefit everyone? Like maybe improving vacation time for all people whose first name begins with the letter S and is me? Like that?
I don’t know. What law would you enact? If you could be a better blogger.
I just spent a good minute typing ‘wikipedia’ and being confused as to why I couldn’t log into my blog. Which just goes to prove that I’m at my most pointless on friday afternoons. You know what else is pointless?
If you guessed douching ads then….
Brrrnn – you are WRONG. Surveys is the correct answer. Surveys are more pointless than douching ads because douching ads serve to educate and surveys serve to survey. Let’s get started shall we?
1. Do you watch little kid shows on channels like PBS and Qubo? What the hell is Qubo? Someone please tell me.
2. Do you like laws that require restaurants to list the calories for each item directly on their main menu? Do I? Hell yes, I more than like them. I looooove them, I want to take those calorie laws to the beach and put my arm around them and maybe splash a little in the sand but not too much because I don’t want to mess up my hair and then I want to lay those calorie laws down….
3. Should abstinence-only sex education be taught to cats and dogs as a more affordable alternative to spaying and neutering? aahahahahahahahahahaha
4. Would you rather meet the author of your favorite book/story, or one of the characters? Let’s see…I read Japanese homoerotic comics so….I’m going to go with characters. Plural. Mmmmmmmm.
5. Would you get a pet rat? Pet Rat is an oxymoron. Anyone who owns a rat and calls it ‘pet’ is a moron. Rats are morons.
6. Who would you rather date: Daniel Radcliffe OR Robert Pattinson? I don’t want to date either of these ladies.
TANGENT – speaking of ladies, I’m seriously disappointed that no one on my facebook reached out in my time of need concerning this. I was very upset and beside myself – LOOK AT HOW PUDGY EDS IS! He needs an intervention otherwise we could be looking at an Elvis level situation here. Oh and not paying child support and doing drugs is bad too.
Now I’m distracted from my survey from googling Eddie. It’s leading me down a dark path. A pudgy, slighly assholic, dark path.
Not really. Nothing wow.
I have a busy important job. We covered this right? Well that job and other weird things have kept me from posting. Which made you cry.
Or grateful. I don’t know. I don’t care.
So I’m back for today. Hopefully tomorrow too? Again. I don’t know. I’m an unpredictable tornado.
I have so much to tell you. Like how only creepy janitors are allowed to work here and how the newest one stares and snorts like Gremlin and how I want to take a shower or a lye bath after he leaves my cubicle.
Or my sister’s wedding which was awesome.
Or how it’s raining raining raining and still too warm for hot chocolate and how I don’t think that should even be possible.
Or how I’ve decided to only use clip art to express myself.
So, the past few weeks, for me, in clip art:
So what have you been up to?
Hey, remember me? I used to blog here before I got really important?
Anyway, I’m taking time today to reconnect. Like old lovers meeting across a dark bar and being all, ‘omg, it’s Tom! Wow, he looks just like he did in college. I’ll take another shot and approach him.”
“Oh hey, Stacey. You look great.”
“Actually, it’s Deborah.”
“Right. Sweet Debbie.”
“Deborah. You know, like when Debbie Gibson was all, screw this teen bop madness I’m a Broadway STAH and you can call me DeborAH. Except, I’m a nail beautician and not a sta-”
“Hahaha, oh Debbie you are so funny.”
“Wanna go make out?”
I’m sure you wondering what I have been up to. Just work. Oh but I did get this book for my anniversary!
It’s pretty much the greatest book to ever exist in the history of books existing. Basically, you force your partner to sit down and answer ridiculous questions about your relationship.
They are questions like, ‘what 3 habits of your partner’s do you hate?’
I’ve been wanting to talk about annoying habits for ages now.
Or ‘what is the most attractive feature on your partner.’
These things make you feel good.
Danny hates it. Or says he does. But secretly I think he loves it.
The lesson of today – I’m a busy lady who won’t blog as much.
And lesson two – dark bars are not the place to hook up with old lovers. That’s for facebook.
finally, lesson three – All About Us, so much fun.
Danny too, don’t even lie.
What have you been up to?
Oh and I haven’t forgotten Fancy Horse – it’s just very hard to do here.
Yeah. I’m just going to let Cyanide and Happiness speak for me today.
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
And this one is for the freaks. You know who you are.
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
This one makes me think of my sister.
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Finally, I swear to god, I have these kinds of conversations with Elisa every day. It’s what makes us SUPER AWESOME CREW!
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Wow, I just realized that I have slid past the 100 post mark. I guess I missed it. Wonder why…
Oh right, because none of you bitches threw me party. What the hell is the point of readers if they can’t fucking count and throw me a party? WORTHLESS.
While we’re on the subject – hello, 100 posts and I’m not famous yet? I’m not rolling around in a pile of bloggedy cash. Travesty.
Also, that’s your fault. You should be spreading the Free Therapy love like a meme, like an internet cult that gives you orgasms and candy. Honestly, readers, you really need to work harder on this. Don’t you want to see me happy?
Whatever. I’m over it.
Have Wills and Kate announced their engagement yet? I need to know when to order the dozen singing ferrets.
Tomorrow – there will be some poetry. Poetry about Unicorn Stud.
And his pleather.
Til then, hugs and chugs.
Believe it or not, sometimes I have no idea what to even blog about. Which is weird considering I live on Gumdrop Mountain and recently tussled with Lord Licorice.
I mean, ok, yes Danny ran over the cat in the garage but that’s their issue. Not mine. Cat is fine btw. By that I mean, the physical wounds have healed. Danny has a history of traumatizing Kitten. When she was tiny he blew her mind by bouncing her on the bed not once but TWICE. She hasn’t been the same since. She needs this blog.
Sadly, she is a cat and she can’t read.
Today I want to hear what is on your mind.
What have you been doing lately? Who are you sleeping with?
I care more about one of those questions than the other.
And yours too. Everyones actually. Dentists are for everyone. Excepting Google but I’ll explain that in a minute.
I figured you all were just dying to know how my dental visit went. The short version is that it went and there is more of dental visiting to come. Yippee skippee. I know.
Anyway, the first hurdle was discovering that despite the fact that I swear the insurance woman told me it was Dental Dental-
Me: Ok, yes, great new cheaper dental insurance. So where can I go?
Her: There is one location within 25 miles of you.
Me: One? You mean to tell me this markedly cheaper insurance only provides ONE dentist?
Her: Yes. Dental Dental.
Me: Dental Dental? what the…is this some kind of Sesame Street joke?
Her:…Dental Dental. In Moore?
She was actually saying Gentle Dental. I have a crap phone at work but asking for new things makes me feel greedy and uncomfortable so I just don’t do it.
Anyway, yes, my only option. So I ask my good friend Google and Google tells me this:
Google is a liar! I drove up and down the street in a kind of panic because everyone knows that if you miss hair or dental appointments you are black listed. They will hate you forever and you can’t show your face again and charges and fees are applied but mostly, you are frowned at. Ugggh.
Luckily, I have the eyes of an eagle and spotted it on the right side of the road.
Gentle Dental is a pleasing kind of place, despite the fact that their front door is in the back. Whatever. I can work around that.
They sent me back to get x-rays. Dental x-rays are hell. I survived though. Then I was asked if I brush. I do. Then I was asked if I floss. I do…not? Um, sometimes? Like when I eat popcorn? I feel ashamed!
Then they ask when I last saw a dentist and I’m all ‘oh, um. Four years ago?”
But the lady was super nice and told me that for that long I had good teeth. Instead of hearing the “for that long” I just hear “good teeth” and wonder why I even came if my teeth are so goo-
“deep cavity from not flossing”
“I floss sometimes.”
“Not enough, sorry.”
I’m sorry too. 😦 She is all, ‘here I’ll get the doctor to come talk to you.’
Dr. Chang. (as in ‘me to the bed.’) Um, hello.
He does a lot of feeling my face then asks, “Do you clench your teeth or…grind?”
Oh my god! He said that! He did. Dr. Chang me to my bed totally just asked if I grind??
So I was all, “Yeah, I’ve been known to grind.”
But Dr. Chang is a super important Gentle dentist and he doesn’t have time for this shit. He does not approve of sexual innuendos in the place of serious (butt) clench talk. Or he just was embarrassed for me because I’m 14.
Chang: You do?
Me: Yeah, wait, what? No…um, no, grinding. Maybe some clenching? Because my life is very stressful. I’m a librarian.
Chang: Uh huh. So, we’ll do a deep clean. Then fill this cavity. Then you come back every three months until we’ve cleared you as a normal patient.
And there you have it. I’m an abnormal dental patient but I’m determined to work up to normal and then maybe even extraordinary! I can do it!
Oh, I have a touch of the TMJ. Whatever that is. It’s not sexually transmitted though, so don’t worry.
Grind baby grind.
Connect me. Connect me. Connect me. Aaaaaahhhhh.
Yesterday was hard. While I had my boyfriend the iPhone, it’s impossible to look up anything fun on it. I mean, yes, there’s the fb app so I got all of your pointless, yet compelling for some reason, status updates. And yes, there are games. But could I find out if Justin Bieber was an alien? No.
Could I look up recipes for granola? No.
I was helpless. I had to rely on actual human discussion. At a library conference! I knooooooww! It sucked so badly. I learned things about the census that had nothing to do with anything important ever. I was like, “Hey census guy, do you know how many people are living in Elijah Wood’s house?”
Census Guy did not.
Census Guy also had a spectacular, fancy display that made my display look amateur. So I was like, ‘Hey Census Guy, I like your fancy display and your free pencils. Pretty snazzy.’
And Census Guy was all. ‘Uh huh.’ Silence. Silence. Silence.
Turns out the census and its guys are really boring. Who knew?
So in the middle of my deprevation I started thinking and this is the kind of thinking that gets you in trouble because here’s what I thought:
You know what? This Justin Bieber kid isn’t that bad.
Stay with me.
Second, he was raised by a teen mom. You know who loves teen moms? *double thumb point to chest* This lady. Hell, if I had known how fun and hip being a teen mom is, I would have become one. Time machine use #489.
Third, he was discovered on YouTube. YouTube is so powerful and entertaining. YouTube is nothing like the census!
Fourth, he’s actually kind of funny and plastic. Both are things I appreciate in a manchildaliengirl.
I haven’t listened to his music. Is it even really about the music?
No, no of course not.
In the end, the moral is that I NEED AN IPAD.
That is all. Enjoy the pictures thousands of blog flooders picture stealers. I love you for your dedication to image search. You know that’s true.