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Not to be all cliche about it, but what a difference a day makes. Yesterday ended pretty awesome. Danny sold the Saturn *sniff*! Then we went to pick up the boys from daycare. Which is always sort of nerve racking since you never know what’s happened in the 8 hours where the boys are unleashed on other unsuspecting children.

Do you think Fox went potty?

Do you think Leo will have an incident report?

Do you think they’ll let them play together like they did on Monday? Wasn’t it weird how all the other kids completely avoided them like they are trouble or something?

Do you think, do you think, do you think

And usually the answers to those questions aren’t good.

Look, I don’t want to give the wrong impression. Fox and Leo are not the worst kids there. That prize went to the little tigergirl who attacked everyone in the toddler class. Fox and Leo aren’t vicious just…you know, kids? I guess.

Anyway, we get there and of course Fox is in time out, I mean, that one’s a given. But it was only for markering on his face instead of paper. Danny and I shrugged it off because, a.) stupid rule and b.) washable marker.

Then the big news – Leo didn’t take down any of his “little friends”! Bless! We were super excited to not have to read about biting/pinching/pulling/hitting on his sheet. Oh and “little friends” is how daycare refers to the other children. It’s both cute and cloying and I’m never entirely sure how I feel about it but I find myself repeating it, even at home. Like, ‘Leo you need to quit pinching the shit out of your little friends, ok?’

What happened was they bumped him up for a couple hours. Which means he was in the toddler class with the cool older kids instead of lame class with the almost toddlers – they call that class “transition”. It’s like the halfway house for babies. Transition.

So the only reasonable conclusion to draw is that Leo is way to awesome to hang with the lames in transition. He needs to be with the bad asses in Toddler Room. Toddler Room teacher even said she had fun with him in the class! I know! I was pretty sure the answer would be something like this but I didn’t want to brag. I need to keep it humble you know.

Kind of like douching then acting like you don’t.

Speaking of….

What else can you think of that’s soooo much easier coming from your mom?

Post in comments or the facebook page!

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Just a heads up – this is a parenting post. I know. Those suck balls. I’m so so sorry. But I told you right off the bat so if you are childess you can go back to wondering if you should screw your no-really-he’s-just-my-best-friend roommate or the hot Asian guy in Starbucks. I wish I had your problems.

Also, if you are considering spawning, you should probably skip this post.

The truth is, sometimes children are miraculous little butterflies that flit around your face and you love them and you think ridiculous thoughts like, ‘my children are the greatest, most beautiful, most effervescent, most minty (holler Steph!) things on earth. No, in the UNIVERSE!’ This is a great batch of feelings. It comes complete with hugs and elevated self esteem <—-because they must be so awesome thanks to me.

And then, then, they like….flip their shit. Always both at the same time. Two weeks ago I was riding high on kick ass kiddiesness. Then, Fox, who up to this point was kind of cruising along in underwear ok, minus the whole poop thing (oh god I hate when people talk about that on their blogs – ergo I hate myself) Anyway, daycare handles that aspect. Then, last night, he just up and pees on the carpet. It seriously sent me over the swing set. Past annoyed, past angry and right on over to hilarious. I swing on some fucked up mental playgrounds. Clearly.

So I’m laughing and dying inside because potty training is the worst thing to ever exist.  I have serious doubts that this child even knows what planet he’s on half the time and so how do I reach him? I mean, he pulled down his underwear and just…let it fly. WTF <—-the f stands for FUUUUUUCCCCKKK

Navigating to Mars. His real home.

Then later he peed in the pants and took them off, carefully put them in the dirty clothes pile and stated, “I handled it.” So now I get to say F to You internet message board which told me if a child pees to make them ‘handle it’ and they will hate dealing with ickyness and they will want to use the potty. For Fox, it’s an out.

I’m just so frustrated. To make things worse, I have underwear eyes. You know when you are wanting to be pregnant, you see preggos every where you go? Or when you want a Kia Soul suddenly there are 50 thousand of them on the road? Like that. Only with cute children in their cute underwear and their goddamn cute smiling pee free parents.

And don’t even get me started on Leo. He’s about to get his ass straight kicked out of daycare. I’m not even kidding about that. That’s another post.

This is what it looks like two seconds before he pulls his shirt off and slaps you to the ground.

So I’m tired and stressed and exhausted and waaaaaaaahhhhh. This Saturday Danny is going to UFO Field Investigators training all day, leaving me with his children. It makes me want to sob, on the floor – except I can’t – because it has pee on it.

…..

I also realize when I write statements like, “Danny is going to UFO Field Investigators training all day” without even thinking about it, that maybe there’s a reason my children are kind of strange and alien.

Ok, so you know how someone will come up to you and be all, “Omjesus you look just like -insert celebrity name here-” and you go, “oh, wow, really? Yeah, really? I guess I can see that.” Then you run home and google them and do your hair like them and watch all their movies and stuff?

One time, a coworker told me her son thought I looked like Penelope Cruz.

Word.

Of course, it couldn’t possibly be because at the time I was dying my hair jet black and trying to pass it off as ‘natural’. Or that I wore this great shiny lip plumbing lipstick. Or that, when I’m tan, I look vaguely and ambiguously ‘ethnic’. No surely not.

This is me/penelope who’s 4.5 months pregnant with Javier Bardem’s baby. And good for her too, because you know Matthew and Tom (HA! The official Tom Cruise website is genius) had their little freak babies so I’m glad it’s her turn.

At the gym, a guy told my dad he looked like Stephen Seagal.

insert photoshop of penelope stephen on a beach with a double rainbow <—- I was totally going to do this but I ran out of time last night. Actually I had to watch Bones. Sweets heavy episode, you understand. Just picture it in your mind.

My husband is Pacey circa season 3.

Then, this other time, this guy told me I looked like Justine Bateman from Fast Times at Ridgemont High and I was all, “the huh?”

and guy was rolling his eyes as if I’d just botched the first line of the Star Spangled Banner or something going, “You know. Fast times! from the 80s.”

Ok. People. Let’s get something straight right now. I was a kid in the 80s. So if you make references like Care a lot! We care a lot! clapclap – I will jump up and down and care bear stare your ass off. If you ask me to find hidden treasure like a Goonie, I will join you. If you, in your infinite awesome crewness, bring me a Teen Witch dress I will love you forever.

However, if you reference 80s pot movies or Tron. I’m just going to start daydreaming about my Hollywood Bardem baby.

The point is –

Sally Kern is no Stephen Seagal but if she wanted to be, I wouldn’t call her confused.

Dream big. Love yourself. Have freak babies. And for god’s sake, find me a Snork backpack.

might smell as sweet but would get her ass kicked on the playground. Or get an N (period) stuck behind her name to differentiate her from all the other Roses.

Incidentally, I think the name Rose is awesome. In fact, I’m for any and all Golden Girls names.

I love names. My name rule is – name your kid what you want. Rose, Ava, whatever. Try not to worry about anything and just name the lump. Names are the greatest human invention.

So today, as I reflect on my kids birthdays (and try not to meltdown over the upcoming party) I thought I would list the names I considered and pretty much Danny rejected. Feel free to steal. I’m a super awesome crew namer.

To catch people up my boys are named Charlie Fox (goes by his middle name) and Leo Bruce. So Fox and Leo.

I know.

It’s so

But you might be like, ‘wah I suck at naming. I pick my names off cereal boxes and now my baby might be called Boo Berry.’

I will help you.

Oh, and Berry is a super awesome crew name. I knew a Berry at camp. She was sweet. Camp is so pretentious but so fun.  What? Sorry, distracted. Names.

Boys

  • Tiernan Ink – I have some scottish/celtic background so I was kind of on a Scot/Celt kick and I made them mutually exclusive. It’s allowed. Ink is because I love graphic novels and manga and books. Danny hated it.
  • Westerly Carmichael – Westerly is the name of the boy in one of my favorite books, Seaward by Susan Cooper and Carmichael is a family name.
  • Felix Bruce – Felix was the only other name besides Leo that Danny would even consider. I know. He is no fun at all. I’m glad we went with Leo though.
  • Omri North – Omri is the name of the boy in Indian in the Cupboard. It’s also Jewish. I’m not Jewish but I do live in Oklahoma where no one would have any idea I was stealing names from another culture. North is just bad ass. I was so in love with this name but Danny pretend barfed on his shoes when I told him.
  • Percy – At first Danny liked this one too but it never got to middle name stage because we heard a one year old Fox say it. Yeah. Oh and then we realized how toddlers say Fox’s name… so basically we would have two children named Fuck and Pussy.  Pass.

Girls

I was pretty sure both boys were boys even before I really saw the ultrasounds but that didn’t stop me from thinking about girl names! No sir! Guess who refused to entertain the idea of discussing names before we knew the sex?

Anyway –

  • Shelby Grace – I would have pushed hard for this one. Shelby is my sister’s name and Grace is the name of this delightful little girl who used to come to my storytimes in Atlanta.
  • Sophie Isle – I know Sophie is really popular right now but it’s the name of the girl in The BFG. Plus popular doesn’t really scare me. When you give your children unique names (like, oh, Fox) when you run into some other kid with that name it’s very awkward because you are trying oh so hard to be unique and everyone knows it, so when it turns out you aren’t so unique – eeehh. Isle just sounds pretty.
  • Calliope Temple – Calliope is the name of the girl in my favorite book Seaward and Temple is a family name.
  • Penelope Hero – another name I would have pushed hard for. Danny thinks Hero is stupid but um, hello, it’s Shakespeare so… Penelope is Odysseus’s wife. Danny claims to like the Odyssey and was actually ok with Penelope. The only thing that would have sucked about this super awesome crew name is the nickname is Penny which…barf. No offensive if your name is Penny. It’s a cute name.
  • Persephone Odessa – Yeah I’ve got a thing for Greek mythology. Odessa is a just a cool pretty name. Plus, we could call her P. Dezi. Hilarious!

So there you go. Feel free to steal from me. If you need me to come up with a name for your child/fish/car, let me know. I love to name shit.

Share your favorite names or your kids’ names or pet names and why/how you chose them!

Oh, my name, Sadie comes from a pact my mom made with her best friend, Sadie. Only old Sadie (I’m going to get so much hell for saying that) anyway, old Sadie doesn’t really like the name so she said not to put it on the birth certificate. Hence, legally, my name is Sara. Middle name Temple. Sara Temple.

So…sometimes, my stats make me create tears. Like little eye puddles. It’s because I learn something new and I realize that I have failed you. For example, yesterday, I learned that you do not like discussing child abuse even though I was not condoning it, hell I wasn’t even really talking about child abuse but child abuse awareness. Whatever.

I bow to your wishes. Specifically, I believe the topmommyblog crowd (which I always read as tommyblogs and I’m like wtf is Tommy? oh wait wait TOP my bad). See I know I’ve offended when a lot of tmbs come in but don’t click the juggling woman (who, by the way, is waaaaay worse a mom than me – I mean, maybe she doesn’t talk about abuse but she’s juggling heavy objects and not feeding her baby and she’s grinning like she’s on meth).  By coming in then not clicking the bitch it’s like saying “oh no! This blog has offended!”

So today, in honor of topmommies every where I am making it happy baby thought day.

As proof that I love babies, here I am (in winter) with mine. Notice - he's smiling!

First order of business is adding the offensive subject to my list of things to never ever bring up again. The list now looks like this:

  1. dead bab(doll)ies
  2. Bode Miller’s scrot

I’m sure there will be more in the future. *sniffs*

Next, I’ll tell you about an entire subgenre of Romance that I like to call Babeh Fever.

Baby My Baby (A Ranching Family, #2) (Silhouette Special Edition, #946)

Lest you think I'm kidding...

The conventions of babeh fever go like this:

Get knocked up – by a hot guy of course, please, no ugly babies here. What do you think our heroine will do with an ugly baby? That’s right. Abuse.

Then have the hot guy bail because he’s an enormous jerk with no redeeming qualities. Score! She gets hot genes and a blissful man-free pregnancy. I can see the appeal of this genre.

Then, lady is getting all near due date and thinking ‘damn, I’m about to have a baby. I need a man to worship me and change this kid’s diapers. Make that a HOT man. Where am I going to find that?’ Cue knock on the door.

Surprise! Here’s a hot man who is unnaturally attracted to pregnant women (though it helps that the lady has no physical symptoms aside from a perfectly cute round belleh). He falls in love at first sight. How could he not?

A Baby on the Ranch : Men of the West (Silhouette Special Edition) (Silhouette Special Edition)In one case he’s a ranger and he goes to tell lady about her long lost family (don’t try to make sense of this) but THEN he realizes that might send her into pre-term labor. That’s right, a single hot man who understands potential labor triggers. It’s fantasy folks.

Anyway, some sort of natural/manmade/vampire disaster happens and the woman has to give birth in a cozy location (like a giant mansion or something) with just the hot man beside her. He is not grossed out. He is moved to accept babeh as his own.

In short, he’s got the fever.

Sex follows because the woman heals and drops her two pounds of baby weight in a week.

All is wonderful in the world.

Not that I’ve walked by these books and considered reading them like a 1,000 times or anything….

Another happy baby thought?

Ok, you’re so insistent –

I’m posting an awesome kid video! A healthy non-abused kid!

Ugh, except I have to link to it because WordPress doesn’t allow videos which is SHIT.

Awesome Jessica <—-trust me, it’s not dirty or wrong it’s very very great

If you are content then click the mommy to the left! Why? Well, I’ve got an ego the size of an elephant and it needs to be fed.

*I was going to say “Texas” but that would be mixing metaphors.*

**Also, do check out topmommyblogs because there are some really fun, cute, touching uh mommy blogs on there!**

Over the weekend a dear old friend of mine had her baby. I don’t mean she’s old, I mean, our friendship is old. The type of friendship that began before we even knew how babies were made. Since she lives so far away, it was 24 hours of facebook stalking until the big payoff. Bravo! Yay! Babies! Hospital stay and drugs – woooot!

But I know, in the coming days, she’s going to wake up or blink in her 48th hour of wake and know the truth of babies.

Shit just got real.

Newborns screw with you bad because the first couple weeks they just lay there and sleep. Granted it’s only for like 3 hours at a time so you’re up at night but still. There’s not a ton of crying or the horrible days and nights confusion. You think, “I got it. Babies are easy.”

I am not amused!

Then, around oh the 4 week mark (you know, right after everyone has gone home and all the presents have been opened) that baby figures out that it’s part of the world. Ooooh, and that baby is pissed. Then the real crying starts. When you get to see more of the babies pretty eyes, usually at 3 a.m. Twinkle twinkle hi mommy!!!!

The newborn time is a weird twist of happiness and total complete breakdown. Or at least for me it was. The only thing to do is live through it. Ask for help. Sleep when the baby does.

Though I was never a big fan of any of that advice. Minus the live through it part.  Asking for help is sometimes more trouble than it’s worth (though oftentimes it’s great).  Sleeping when the baby does makes me more tired and I like doing stuff when the baby sleeps. It helps me feel human.

So basically, I got nothing. What would you tell a new mom?

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