Ok, so you know how someone will come up to you and be all, “Omjesus you look just like -insert celebrity name here-” and you go, “oh, wow, really? Yeah, really? I guess I can see that.” Then you run home and google them and do your hair like them and watch all their movies and stuff?

One time, a coworker told me her son thought I looked like Penelope Cruz.


Of course, it couldn’t possibly be because at the time I was dying my hair jet black and trying to pass it off as ‘natural’. Or that I wore this great shiny lip plumbing lipstick. Or that, when I’m tan, I look vaguely and ambiguously ‘ethnic’. No surely not.

This is me/penelope who’s 4.5 months pregnant with Javier Bardem’s baby. And good for her too, because you know Matthew and Tom (HA! The official Tom Cruise website is genius) had their little freak babies so I’m glad it’s her turn.

At the gym, a guy told my dad he looked like Stephen Seagal.

insert photoshop of penelope stephen on a beach with a double rainbow <—- I was totally going to do this but I ran out of time last night. Actually I had to watch Bones. Sweets heavy episode, you understand. Just picture it in your mind.

My husband is Pacey circa season 3.

Then, this other time, this guy told me I looked like Justine Bateman from Fast Times at Ridgemont High and I was all, “the huh?”

and guy was rolling his eyes as if I’d just botched the first line of the Star Spangled Banner or something going, “You know. Fast times! from the 80s.”

Ok. People. Let’s get something straight right now. I was a kid in the 80s. So if you make references like Care a lot! We care a lot! clapclap – I will jump up and down and care bear stare your ass off. If you ask me to find hidden treasure like a Goonie, I will join you. If you, in your infinite awesome crewness, bring me a Teen Witch dress I will love you forever.

However, if you reference 80s pot movies or Tron. I’m just going to start daydreaming about my Hollywood Bardem baby.

The point is –

Sally Kern is no Stephen Seagal but if she wanted to be, I wouldn’t call her confused.

Dream big. Love yourself. Have freak babies. And for god’s sake, find me a Snork backpack.