Yes, it’s Tuesday. I was at a training all yesterday and it involved staring at databases for 8 hours. At the end of it I couldn’t take the look of WordPress. It was literally searing my eyes out of my face and I had to go looking for them, then pop them back in and that was a sign that I should not be blogging. Today, I feel much better!

Ok, guess what???  In today’s therapy session I will give you the answer to everything! It’s a two step process to achieving some inner peace. Here it is:

  1. Quit being a dickhole.
  2. Start being nice.

Yes, it really is that simple.

Mean people get sharks dropped on to their houses.

If you have been a dickhole for a long time, you might find it hard to stop. You might think to yourself, ‘that’s just my nature and everyone else can just deal with it’. Well, dickhole, too bad for you, we do not deal with it. We shove it and you away. We put your dickholocity into a little box and only stare at it when we have to. This makes it easier on us and harder on you. Because when we have to deal with you, it means that shit has really gotten bad. See we could ask for your help or your company when things are good but you tarnish good shit with your nasty ‘tude and we don’t want that. So…we wait until what we’re dealing with (like say a virus on our computer, IT jerk) is just unbearable. Then your job is harder. In the end we usually hate you even more.

Being a dickhole is physically stressful. It’s hard on your heart – according to the internet or something, I don’t know, didn’t the Today Show cover this? It’s hard on your face, with all the frowning. Basically, it makes you look and feel like shit.

On the flip side, being nice is lovely. You get friends. Having friends is lovely. You get a good heart. You get to smile. You find that breathing is easier because when you are nice to people they want to help you all the time.

It sounds manipulative but it’s not. You will find yourself wanting to help them as well. Even if you don’t feel like being nice, once it’s out there, once that first smile is in place, it just kind of flows.

Do I even need to say that being a dickhole is a full time job?

No one is impressed with dickholes. No one. I don’t care how smart you are if you are a dickhole people will think you are covering for being stupid. Smart people are nice. Dickholes are stupid. It’s like an excel formula.

So, in conclusion, if you are a smelly, harking IT guy – you better start being nice because I’m worried that all your sourness will turn you into a pickled shell of a person.

The only thing worse than eating a sour patch kid is talking to one.