Before I unveil my fabulous new club – oh yes, I said faaabulous – let’s address the elephant in the room. Last night, a tornado hit Norman. I do not even know what is going on with this shit as I had it on good authority that Norman is protected by old wizard spells and will never have a tornado. That is why we don’t have a storm shelter. Because, duh, wizard protects us.

Wizard Comments & Graphics

You really let me down Wizard.

~Magickal Graphics~

First, my tv breaks. Then a tornado hits? What’s next universe? My iPhone blips out?

We are all ok. I mean, Danny’s a fucking moron sky starer but he had that problem before the tornado so I can’t really blame that on the wind. Fox rode out the storm pantless. I sat in the living room huddled around the new Goodwill $10 tv and hoped people were ok. Ever since having children I have this weird connection to strangers and find myself concerned for their well-being.

It’s very annoying.

But! All is well until the next time.

So, the club.

First, by way of explanation there is this magical plastic doll named Kim Kardashian. She is magic. Did I say that already? Anyway, she sprinkles her dust on things and they start to sparkle, bounce booty and get very drunk.


Kim lives in L.A. with her sisters, Kourteny and Khloe. They are Klassy.

But Kim was like, ‘wait up bitches, Kourt and K-hoe are getting famous, possibly more famous than a moi. No no no. I need a fucking  shoe Klub.’

So she made Shoe Dazzle. All was right with the world. The world of clown tranny shoes and returns. Only Shoe Dazzle? Is kind of expensive and requires filling out forms and shit. W. T. F? No. I work for the government which means I have no money and plenty of forms.

So, inspired by Kimmie K I give you…..


Here’s how it works –

You send me $20 and your shoe size, I send you some shoes. You can’t return them and you must love them. See, these shoes are your fate. If you like you can tell me a little about yourself, favorite color, who you’re sleeping with, etc. But I will rely mostly on my psychic powers to pick out the perfect shoe for you.


(Oh, and if you give me an extra $10 I’ll bedazzlefate them.)

Leave your orders or feelings on tornadoes, Kimmie K or Kimmie K’s tornado hair in the comments.