Also, she can probably beat your mom at the following things (in order of my certainty of her ability to win):

  1. Golf
  2. Taking a million pictures of the same thing hoping to get the right one, which would happen if you WOULD JUST SMILE AND LOOK AT THE CAMERA JOHN BRUCE
  3. Organizing a party
  4. Organizing a party for herself
  5. Making the OSU sign
  6. Yelling
  7. Being awesome

To illustrate, I’ve created a timeline:

1981 – I was 2. *Bonus!: You can discover my age if you use this complicated formula I call math.* At this time it was a widely held belief (I’m told, according to my mother) that two year old children couldn’t jump on one foot, skip or jump rope. My mom was all, ‘that is some crap!’. So she taught me to jump on one foot, skip and jump rope. Take that experts!

1987: I drop kick a soccer ball for the first time! It is impressive! And in mom’s gym class. None of the other losers can manage it, my mom must be a super genius teacher. Only she also gets raging mad because I guess she was talking or something when I kicked it.

1992: Mom sends me to camp. The best thing a parent can do is send their child away for a month. Camp is the best!

1993: My sister gets “busted” for kissing a guy in the halls. The teacher punishes her but mom swoops in to call shenanigans because a. the kid just ran up and did it (witness testimony) and b. who the fuck cares?

1996: When auditioning for a musical (required for the drama class) I refuse to sing because it was just lyrics and no music. Dumb. Mom agrees and with her support I take away her life’s lesson for me:

You have to participate in society and respect the people around you. Except when shit is stupid or people are wrong.

Word. Happy Mother’s Day! Think your mom can beat my mom? Post your reasons or life lessons!