Not new street drugs.

Time machines.

Actually, I just need one time machine. A working one. And not the DeLorian. Shut your mouth. I really only like the second Back to the Future and that’s because it comes through on the title’s promise of actually going into the future. Guess who’s there?

A tiny Eej!!!!


Here’s my reasons and uses for a time machine:

1. Stop Orville Redenbacher from using his old, wrinkly ass face to sell me popcorn.

2. Steal the recipe for hypercolor clothing. Not use it to make lame t-shirts, instead use it to make NBA uniforms. Women everywhere are delighted when the sweaty men turn hot pink! Basketball is suddenly fun! I’m a hero!

3. Insert myself into famous photos. Except the dangerous ones.

4. Go back to watch parts of my childhood that I can’t remember.

5. Finally, warn the Doc. DUH.

What would you use a time machine for?