Except Paul isn’t dead yet? I always forget that. About once a month I think, ‘well there’s only one Beatle left. No, wait, no Paul is still alive. Right? Yes, it appears so. At least according to the internet.’ The internet never lies where Beatles are concerned.

Did you guess that tonight it’s Lennon/McCartney night on AAAAAAmmericAN IdOl! Let’s just get it out of the way shall we? Once we get through this and goddamn Country Night I’ll be good to go.

Since I was with E at the library watching some goddess with her green dress and giant perky boobs run around with her adorable toddler talking about her older son and making us HATE HER (not really, actually we want to be your friend lady because hanging out with you might turn us cooler and more toned), anyway, I missed the intro. No big loss there as I’m sure it was just Seacrest angling to get fired so he can go finish building his gnome empire.

Aaron – first up to make Lennon cry is our favorite tiny teen. The other contestants talk about how cute and Jedi Aaron is. They screw with him by talking like Yoda. Aaron isn’t sure if it’s because they like him or they are making fun of him and he’s about a trillion kinds of sweet angst there. This whole segment is just sweetness and kittens. I love it. Damn you show.

Aaron is singing “The Long and Winding Road”. Sort of. I’ve never heard this song but I can tell that Aaron isn’t really doing it justice. He’s just hanging on. Which is too bad because I love Aaron’s voice. Let’s hope he can pull it out next week.  Hee, pull it out.

Katie – is neon coming back? I ask again, is fucking neon coming back? Because if it is? Put my name on the roster. I am. IN. Bong your eyes out, neon is the greatest thing since sequins and hypercolor. I personally think fashion should offend at least two senses otherwise it’s just rags on a frame.

They all talk about Katie but I miss it. I’m sure it’s nice though. Katie is singing “Let it Be”.  Grrrrooooan. It’s not Katie it’s the song. This stupid song. Here’s why I hate the Beatles/Lennon/McCartney/mania.  At some point people took these stupidshit, boppy, sentimental songs and declared that they must mean something. Like Let it Be is a declaration of some inner human truth. Except it’s simply a good song with cheesy lyrics and some whining. Luckily Katie just bitch stomps it into the ground so it’s the best version I’ve ever heard. She’s all like, “Let it be you fuckers. Just leave on the ground and let it die cause you know what? Me and my poofy hair and my earrings have got about a million better places to be. Get that bitch Miley on the phone and tell her to fire up the jet.”

The judges agree. Katie rocks.

Andrew – I fell in complete love with Andrew last week. I think I was the only one. The other contestants say he’s funny and besties with Lee. That’s nice.

He’s singing “Can’t Buy Me Love”. Sweet. Awesome. Finally, a song and a movie I can get behind. He’s doing some cool stuff with it that I can’t really describe. I guess in Idol speak he’s “making it his own”. A lot has been made of his quaf but I think it’s a nod to Patrick Dempsey. The back up band is a bit overpowering. I don’t like that they give the contestants all these options. It just gives them more rope to hang themselves and, unless you get some brilliance like Adam Lambert, they usually do something like this.

On another note (hee!), his scruffy Shaggy beard has got to go.

Did he just say ‘damn’?

Mike – it’s clear that the other contestants love Mike. I can’t blame them. Oh my god. Ohmygod. I think I like every single person this year. What? I still hate Lee…don’t I? Anyway, Mike does this weird yet endearing “heeeyyy” thing and it’s only a matter of time before some advertising company picks it up, rapes it and packages it to middle America. Where, yes, we’ll repeat it until we get bored and/or another company supplies us with a CGI seal hocking yogurt or something.

I’m distracted. He says his family band was called the Lynche Mob. Whaaaaat? Hahaha. That’s priceless. That’s like if I got my sister together and we toured the country as the Bitch Slaps.

Mike is singing “Elenor Rigby”. Ok you have to know I have a problem with this song right? I do. Because it’s super corny. Only you are tricked into not thinking it’s corny because it’s about homeless and lonely people. But make no mistake, this is no “Joey” or “Another Day in Paradise”. This is heavy handed wrapped in bubblegum. The song, not Mike. Mike manages to make me love this. The original version makes me want to rip my ears off because it’s sort of jaunty and you know a bunch of rich white liberals sat around listening to it while doing their expensive designer drugs pretending like they actually care. But Mike sings like he’s standing on a street watching the drama unfold. Like he’s a distant observer but one who’s waking up to the world around him. It’s fucking brilliant.

It helps that he’s wearing a giant silk jacket with a chain. I’m not sure how but it does.

So, at the halfway (for nine) point. Mike is awesome and Aaron struggles.

Break time. Discuss.

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