Wow, yesterday some freaky shit went down on this blog. The behind the scenes part. First, we had the whole lobster invasion and then even weirder shit started happening when lots of topmommybitchesbloggers started stopping by and probably crying into their breast pumps. I don’t know. They didn’t leave a comment. So I was all, “I better check this out right?” and myself was all, “Yeah get on it!”.  When myself agrees with myself something is up.

I guess topmommyblogs reset its numbers and so I WAS #11 ON THE HUMOR AND FUNNY BLOGLIST! What? I know! (they actually say: humor and funny. Redundant.) It won’t last because I don’t have such hilarious topics as :Faith, Family and Infertility. Or a title like The Leaky Boob. Who can resist that?

I should have seen it all coming. The Universe tried to warn me by giving me conflicting signs.

Pretty much.

See, first: I saw 3 Hummers. As a symbol they are pretty obvious. Greed. Destruction. Stupidity. Blowjobs. I saw one dark blue, one gray and one kind of green. That’s not too horrible. Yellow is completely unacceptable. I see a yellow hummer and I know the universe is communicating that I need to just go home and watch the Spanish channel.

The thing about Hummers is that they are tanks. For the road. What kind of nonsense is that? It messes with the reasonable side of the Universe and Universe is like, ‘I need to fix this shit.’ So what does the Universe do? The Universe in all its wisdom sticks douches into Hummers. That evens things out. Anyone else sitting in a Hummer would look scared and white knuckled because Fuck! It’s a road tank! Just driving down the road!  AAAAHHHH. But Hummer douches are at complete ease. You may want to hate that greasy hummer douche but you shouldn’t. He’s probably saving your life by being douchey enough not to freak out about his road tank.

Overall though, Hummers are a bad bad sign. Avoid them. I know it’s hard because the second Diddy (side note: originally I had it as P. Diddy but wikipedia told me he dropped the P – thanks wikipedia I would have looked really stupid not knowing what ridiculous name rapper Sean Combs had chosen for himself this week!) gets something everyone and their douche dog has to find a way to have it –

Which reminds me – I need an iPad.


Pshew! Pshew! Take that Hummers! The glorifying wrath of my riffs and pleather - pshew! pshew!

Oh, right. Then I heard some good 80s rock. Music is an excellent way to feel out the universe. It’s like it’s speaking directly to you. I heard Livin on a Prayer. Universe was all, “Hey, it’s ok that Hummers exist in this world and in your face. Cause you know what? There’s also hot young people making love in their parents basement and they drive Camaros.” (incidentally, if I see a camero of any color it = bad ass day.)  Then I heard Child of Mine and that’s the Universe saying, “Sweet child, it’s going to be ok.”

Taken together it means the Universe was trying to warn me of the weirdness/to take me down and kick me in the nuts/to not even bother with me and those signs were meant for someone else, someone more important. Like #1 Top Humor and Funny Mommy.