Oh wow, that new JLo movie looks hilarious, doesn’t it? I mean, pregnant women as pigs – hahahaHA! Women are neurotic assholes who want babies because they are looonely and time is aticking, I’m rolling on the floor. Then, then! they become even more crazy because, well, who ever plans on meeting THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS in a contrived “romcom” – priceless!

Fuck that movie.

Idols! Welcome back. Oh just so you know, the second round of singers pretty much kick the first round square in the balls.

Andrew – mark your calendars bitches because this was the night I fell in love with Andrew. Did Usher make Andrew good? I…I, actually think he did. He was all, ‘just go man’. And Andrew was like, ‘I’m in love with my mother.’ And Usher was all, ‘that’s great use that. Make love to your mother you in your mind and then sing, Casanova.’

So Andrew and his nasty sweater cap do. It’s some weird Chris Brown song that involves Doublemint Gum and having only one night to dance forever?

And, inexplicably, Andrew nails it. It’s fun and catchy and his guitar and voice just work well plus he doesn’t over do it. He’s just a cool, laid back, motherfucker. Nicely done Andrew.

The judges agree. Oh and yes, I’m purposefully not addressing Randy’s old man circus cardigan.

Just when I’m feeling all this love for sweater atrocities and Andrew and his sweet, shy smile – Ryan shoves his little plastic troll face on screen and starts hemhawing about Andrew’s mother getting up on stage to yell at Simon. So his mom (complete with zebra shirt) clambers on stage like a Weeble and kind of fills the role Evil Ryan has written. But not good enough. So he whispers in her ear to say something bad in Spanish.  Ryan. SHUT UP. She does but since it’s so lame and forced it just comes off as kind of weird.

Then Andrew talks about how he designs bras for his mother in his free time.

Not really.

Katie – I think Katie is the best at meeting celebrities. She flirts (!) with Usher about how they met and he thinks she’s cute. I like this spunky little fireball.

Until…

they dress her up like she’s headlining the local cathouse and plop her down inbetween a ton of backup singers. She’s got these giant pink earrings that make me think of Hello Kitty? I know the contestants get to pick what they wear but she looks so different in her mentoring sessions that I wonder if someone else isn’t “suggesting” these outfits.

She sings “Chain of Fools”. I fall asleep. Because this song is bo-ring. She sounds good but why? Why not do something cool? Simon pretty much agrees with me.

Lee – I’m totally distracted by anything Usher says because Lee is wearing my purse – again.

I guess he’s good. Singing “Treat her Like a Lady”. He rocks. I guess? The judges tell me so. There’s a lot of yammering about “believing” and “trusting” and bullshit. I don’t know about this kid.

Those new kotex commercials are awesome. I’m not being facetious. I really love them.

Crystal – remember how last week Crystal was all, “I have a surprise!” and we all thought, “fuck me! She’s going to come out on the backs of five seals, playing a ukulele and singing “Like a Virgin”! It will be the greatest Idol moment EVER!”

Wrong.

She’s playing the piano and Usher outs her right away. I can’t tell if it’s editing that makes it seem like he just landed on it or if it was a long drawn out, nudge nudge thing. Whatever. Who cares.

Tonight she looks lovely. She’s so pretty. I never really noticed before because she had that squinchy eyed, down turned hippy head going on but tonight she’s got great makeup and a really honestly beautiful, open face. She starts at the piano singing “Midnight Train to Georgia”

YES!!!! Oh god, this is one of my favorite songs!

Ah, Crystal. Man, she just explodes it. She starts out soft because she actually understands the song (boo the backup singers though). It’s a woman making a decision, telling a story, then she steps away from the piano and just asserts herself as awesome.

See? THIS this right here is why I love this show. I love singing, just open, untapped voices.  Music is like poetry except not shit. Crystal is a songbird and we get to hear her just sing before a record or a tour or crap Kara songs are forced on her and she chokes on it. We get this and it’s….wonderful.

Oh right, tiny Aaron Kelly has to follow her.

SUE!!!!!

Aaron – Usher is kind of surprised by Aaron’s voice. Welcome to our world Usher.  Aaron has a shot at this thing though I’m still coming down off Crystal so miss a lot. I hear Usher sing ‘I know’ about 80 times. I know.

Aaron is good. Like, really good.

The End.

Predictions?

I think Tim will definitely be bottom 3 along with Didi and a toss up between Katie and Siobhan.

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