I know. I’m as shocked as you are that the least talented bunch of kids in the history of A.J. Gil managed to pull it off. Not all of them of course, that would be asking too much.

I rushed home and was kind of making dinner, managing babies so I missed the introduction. I looked up just in time to catch Usher.  Oooh, Usher. Danny has a personal beef with Usher from back in his PeopleTV days. According to legend, Usher didn’t show up for some foundation thing that bears his name (Usher’s not Danny’s) and a bunch of kids were disappointed. Don’t disappoint the children Ush!

I like Usher though because he starred alongside Eej in the classic horror movie, The Faculty. I saw it three times. Well, 2.5. The second time Danny and I left the theater because we ran out of smuggled beer.

Let’s get to it!

Siobhan – ah, Magnus. Remember when I was all, “I think Siobhan is a poser and sucks” and people were all, “no way! she’s got authentic geek glasses!” so I was all, “Ok, well I guess then she’s a poseur” which is like a higher class of French poser.  Tonight, I’m proven right!

Everything is off. She looks like a bag lady and Usher is so luke warm about her. Then she sings “Through the Fire” (oh it’s R&B night, duh) and ends with a scream. How predictable. Yawn.

She’s a one trick pony people.

Casey – just looking at him makes me want to check my waistband for ticks. Usher creams himself on meeting him. This guy must have some amazing pheromones or something because I just do. not. get it.  He’s singing “Hold On, I’m Coming”. Gross, Casey! This song.

He’s all growly and manish but with this bizarre spider in the parlour smile. Weird! He just keeps it plastered on his chin the whole time. Is this his version of the O face or something? I’m so disturbed. He sounds generic but of course the judges love him.

I’m wondering when Casey’s makeover will come. It’s long overdue but I think they are waiting until this particular cow shows a little more profit margin showmanship. Like signing a boob or something.

Mike – What I really love is when a contest politely listens to the drivel the mentor is drunkenly spitting in their ear then goes, “man, I got this.” Mike totally has this. He’s singing “Ready for Love” a song I’ve never heard. It’s by India Arie. Here’s what I know about her: she tweeted her baby’s birth. I’ll let you sit with that for a second. No, wait, I’m thinking of Erykah Badu.

Mike gets up on stage and while, yes, ok, I had a second of fear for the stool – he opens up with this voice and sort of tosses his head around like he feels it but not in a creepy douchey way (looking at YOU Casey). It’s gorgeous. I’m melting. Bravo Mountain Mike.

Oh, backstage moments. Weird. I’m not sure if I like this.

Didi – oh, god, she cries. Ugggghhhh.  Fuck. Ok, cue the rant music:

Contestants. You are in a competition. One that may change your whole life. Do NOT for the love of Usher’s sunglasses pick something because you are all shit broken up about it. *side note: this song is a stupid dumb song to get emotional over. All the songs about broken hearts and this is the one she bawls to? whatever.* Anyway, choose songs that showcase your voice, not your personal “issues”. Thanks.

I actually like Didi’s unique voice. But god, she is a terrible song selector.

Hee, I said, “Look at that dress.” and Fox said, “Yuk.”  He’s learning.

The dress is completely over the top ‘Yuk’. It’s like someone wanted to do a black sequined dress but ran out of time and sparkles and was just like “fuck me, let’s just barf on it and call it a night.” I expect a knockoff to show up on Project Runway soon.

I think Didi’s in trouble.

Then we get a dose of Shitty Ryan. Which is pretty much his total state this whole season as he tries to get her to talk about why she got all emotional. Didi is not having it. Good girl!

Ryan doesn’t give up. Why the FUCK not? I mean, I don’t care why she cries. It’s a song called “What becomes of the Brokenhearted”, I assume she got her heart broken. Oh, I guess maybe it’s for the dead friend?

Shit. MOVE ON SEACREST.

But he doesn’t. He’s got such a messiah complex this season. I’m so sick of it. He’s too short to be Jesus. And too white. And too Axe in a bottle. In the end he gets nothing but we’ll see his behavior get even worse later on with Andrew.

Ugh.

“Teflon” Tim – ah, Tim. Sweet vacant Tim. Usher tries to make him “connect” (is that the only word Usher knows? Get a thesaurus app, superstar) by touching him and being soulful and Tim just laughs because the whole notion of a “soul” confuses him. At this point I think Tim just enjoys the attention and google alerts and naked chest hits he’s been getting. I’m sorely disappointed that his fans haven’t come up with some better fansigns.

He’s singing “Sweet Love”. It’s awful and even I care a little this time. I would be ok with him going home. The judges just dismiss him then get pissay about him laughing. Which, he laughs about. I would call him the Joker except I’m pretty sure Tim has never gotten a joke in his life.

Whew – break.

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