Where were we? Ah yes,

Big Mike – so much velour. Hancock Fabrics must love this guy. He’s going to sing “When a Man – raaaallpph – sorry, when a  -raaaaaalllp – ok let me try one more time. Whe – rraaaaalph.  He’s singing this.

It’s a safe song for him. He sounds good, of course, but doesn’t blow me away. I actually think that’s all right. He’ll get through and needs to save the good stuff for later on when he’s in danger of getting booted by one of the girls.

Andrew – he is also babbling about Miley being on some kind of level. I have no idea what this means. She’s balancing on a wall to even things out? What?

He’s singing “Heard it Through the Grapevine”. I know. Terrible. Did he lose a bet? Did he spin a globe and say whatever I land on that’s where I’m going – ah damn, Tijuana – oh well, I said I would do it? I mean, honestly?

I immediately think of the California Raisins as he be bops around the stage thanks to the advice of a 17 year old hooker girl. Oh, his voice? Meh.

The fans need to step it up as well. These fan signs suck. We heart Andrew.

Randy and Ellen lament the song choice and then – some really insane shit happens as Kara doles out some actual, thoughtful, cohesive advice/critique. Basically she says he’s chasing this one moment he had where I guess he was brilliant? I don’t know I missed it. Anyway, that moment is messing with him and screwing him all kinds of up. He’s trying to reclaim it and overthinking it and doubting himself. That’s the problem with success. You do it once and then you have to do it again. The doing it again is the hard part.

I guess. I don’t know. Getting just one success seems hard and time consuming.

Katie – god bless this girl for picking a fun song. “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie. Hey, remember that time Fergie peed on stage? Yea.

When Katie meets Miley she’s wearing some weird curtain shirt with a vest and is appropriately unimpressed with the whole thing. I like this girl. I like her shiny Pantene hair too.

On stage she’s confident with a full, cool voice, nice alto sound. Looks good and trashy, Simon should love that. Overall, I like it.

More heads on sticks. Have stick heads replaced fan signs? Because that’s a future I don’t want.

Kara has some more good advice. Stunned. Speaking of stunned, Kara looks stunning. It’s like I don’t even recognize this show anymore.

Casey – ah, wavy, crusty, vaccine addled Casey, yup I’m clear on where I am now. I miss what he says to Miley, sorry.

The snakeskin shirt is bad enough but then he had to go and unbutton it and add, you guessed, a necklace. Jesus.  He’s singing “Power of Love” which prompts Danny to be all, “yes!”.  This is Danny’s favorite song for the sole reason of being attached to Danny’s favorite movie Back to the Future.

And while we’re here, a word about B2F. I am ok with the first one, loooove the second (featuring a tiny Eej!) and hate the third…

you heard me.

Let’s move on.

Casey sucks. He’s unsure of himself. He’s bland. His voice is mediocre.

Of course, the judges love it. Conspiracy theorists start your engines. I do think this is a producer thing but I can’t figure out why they would want to keep him around. I mean, Ellen says it’s the best vocals of the night. Is she fucking deaf?

Casey’s neck is so huge. I wonder if that’s from the vaccine.

Didi – here comes Didi and half her dress.  I’m totally ignoring the Miley things at this point. Not enough wine in the world.

She’s singing “You’re no Good”. I like her voice. It’s unique and kind of growly and she’s eye fucking the camera which, whatever.  I overall like her. She’s weird in a way that Siobhan can only hope to be. The kind of weird that makes you wonder if she’s going to give you a bunny or cut your ear off.

The judges hate her. I hate the judges.

Ohhh, Simon forgot Lacey’s name! Burn. And sad because it really illustrates the problem with music/art/words as a commodity. People get used up and spat out and forgotten by the people who they made piles of cash for. But what are you gonna do?

CHE!!!!!!

Siobhan – she’s singing “Superstition”. At the break Ryan was saying she would sing some Stevie and idiot me thought, “Hell YES, bust out some Stevie Nicks“.

Again, I’m all over the place with this girl. I enjoy her Joan Jett hair. Hate her trying to hard vest. Kind of like the way she runs around the stage like she’s manic. Hate the screaming.

Confused. I feel like she’s read all the appropriate nerd loli manga and she’s probably got a Gloom Cookie screensaver but it just rings hollows to me. I don’t know. Discuss. Make me love her.

Btw, are the 80’s coming back?

People and Miley stand up. The gas must be leaking in that damn building.

Overall, this was a terrible night. Everyone sucked in their own ways and I expect better next week. Or I will be pissed.

Who do you think is going home?

Paige and Tim will surely be in the bottom 3

Best of the night:

Aaron, Chrystal and I guess, Siobhan.

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