Oh my god, it’s back. And, and! I’m not pregnant which means a.) I’m not dead tired and b.) I can drink wine. Except I forgot the wine this time. I know, that needs to be rectified.

I told Danny, ‘You had better keep those boys quiet because it’s Aaaaamerican Idol.’ and he was like, ‘OK.’ because he knows how serious I am. Fox watched with me for a little bit but he has no sense of style or sound. He just likes everyone. I’m like, ‘Fox, hatred is part of this game. You have to find someone you would throw off a cliff. You suck at this.’

I’m going into this the way I do every year -deaf and blind. I have read nothing about the top 12 (except this morning) and I haven’t heard them sing because I can’t take the auditions or Hollywood or the farce they call the “finals to the finals” or whatever. It’s awful.

Heeere we go! Ah, I’m so excited! “Rolling Stones Night”. Fuuuuuck. Really? Oh, god I do not like the Rolling Stones. And, ok, let’s just get this out of the way right now. I do not like the Beatles. Also, U2. I’m ok with Michael Jackson though so we can still be friends.

The judges. I’m sad not to see Paula. Ellen better be drunk or something. You know she’s not going to be funny. What are Randy and Simon wearing? Old man cardigans? What? Is the old man cardigan like the new trucker cap? Because, if it is, count. me. in. Yes. I’m wearing one right now. It’s true. Librarians and old men have much in common when it comes to wardrobe selections.

Ryan looks pretty good and plastic. Nice ascot. Now, here’s your tools Top 12.

Michael Lynche – wow, he’s a big guy. I bet he knows this and I’m just being redundant. He says he’s a “ham”. Huh. Unfortunate choice of words considering those arms. Awww, he has a tiny baby. I’m hooked oh but wait, yeah I heard about this. His wife was giving birth while he was auditioning. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

He’s singing “Miss You”. Whatever. Whoa, did not expect that voice! It’s like pop mixed with soul mixed with Boy George. Nice. I’m glad it’s not all deep soul because we all know where that takes you. Googlegods tell me that he’s a top contender. I concur. Although, I get that he’s got a wide chest but please, next time get a shirt that buttons. To the top. That is all. NEXT!

Oh, wow I just realized that Ellen is wearing a giant tie. And Kara has tangled sex hair. Oh boy the obligatory ‘I’m not gay, you’re so gay’ jokes between Ryan and Simon. Over it. Never ever got it. I mean, they work in the gayest industry in the world, you would think they would just chill with that shit.

Didi Benami – cool boots.  I didn’t take any notes on her family so they must have bored me. She’s singing “Playing with Fire” which is the only Stones song I really like. Don’t mess it up Deeds. Oh, bad start. The crowd is doing some weird arm wave. It smacks of producer influence, like I bet someone is standing off camera encouraging this. She’s got a giant man-thumping ring on, scary.

All right, it’s getting better. Ok, it’s ok. I’m getting into it. Judge her!

Randy: nice one.

Ellen is basically like you fucked up but not too bad.

Kara gives some actual constructive criticism, shocked.

Simon looks like a leather hot dog and I completely miss what he says because I’m looking over his chest for cancer spots.

Casey James – I guess he’s supposed to be the hot one? Weird. He’s like Russell Crowe and Russell Crowe is gross, am I right? This guy with his curly hair and oh god, a vaccine tragedy. AND he’s from Texas. Well I better learn to like him because Texas is a proud, large state and they vote like they’re drunk and calling an ex.

He’s singing “It’s all Over Now” and it’s countryfied so you know I het it. His shirt is also unbuttoned. Why? Weird. Another long necklace. Tonight’s Idol is brought to you by long necklaces and cardigans.

The judges love it except for Simon, who is reasonable. What’s with all this “artist” talk? I miss the days of “pop star”. Artist my ass.

Ew! He harked!

Lacey Brown another Texan? At least she’ll split the Texas vote. She’s wearing two shirts. It’s like she knows she’s going home so she’s shoving both shirts in our face just to make sure they get the screen time. She’s singing “Ruby Tuesday” – commence weeping.

It sucks. Judges agree. Next.

Andrew Garcia – whose father was a gang member and declares that he though his son was going to grow up to be a custodian. Way to combat stereotypes show. Andrew is like a hispanic Elvis Costello, I kind of dig him.  He’s singing “Shelter”…badly.

Randy and Ellen are split (one hate, one love) so they cancel each other out. Kara takes him to task for not understanding that the song is about WAR, man. Which is kind of silly, considering I doubt Kara Put Me in  Bikini Dioguardi knows the first thing about war.

Katie Stevens -the teenager.  Oh weird, her friends have got her face taped to sticks. Random. Also, if they are industrious enough to get a printed off face why couldn’t they find something else to use to hold it to their rulers besides black electrical tape? Whatever. She’s wearing a really cute dress.

Singing “Wild Horses” for stupid living the dream (the fucking dream!) reasons. Barf. I just ruined her dress.

Also, Katie, sweetie, when sitting on a high stool in a short dress – cross your legs.

Oh right the song. Well, it’s pretty much a terrible song choice but she’s ok. A mature voice but she needs to be more playful and vibrant and not so…I don’t know.

Who cares what the judges think on this one. Nobody. The judges don’t even care. That’s a bad sign.

Whew, ok, let’s pause for minute.  Part 2 in a little bit.