I’m like google’s best friend. Or manservant. I lick google’s boots and then I lace them up. If google were a neighborhood I would be the head of the watch committee – except not really because I would never ever be that.

What? Oh right –  google. Take the time you spend googling a day and multiply it by a billion and there you’ll meet me. No exaggeration. You’ve probably deduced by now, maybe with the help of google, that I’m a lazy librarian. But it takes some skill to really work a goog search. Sometimes, the googlegods straight piss me off. We’re in a fight right now, over these things –

First of all, google, if anyone anywhere is searching a disease that needs to be controlled for god’s sake the first site you give them should always and forever be the CDC. Centers for goddamn DISEASE CONTROL. Not Yahoo! freaking answers? Are you kidding me with that shit? And aren’t you and Yahoo! like broken up for life? Are you just trying to make that slut look bad because she’ll let anyone talk about their boils and solicite total crap answers like, ‘Oh yeah my aunt had that once. You are probably going to turn into a vampire.”  If so, then mission accomplished banner on a deck of a navy ship.  However, if you are trying to disseminate useful and accurate information? Then please for the love of you, give people the cdc.

second – listen, every time I type the word “average” I do not need your super secret algorithm to suggest:

Not helpful. Even worse, every. single. time. I’m go, “huh, I wonder what it is.” and then the next time I can’t even remember so I got, “huh, well, I mean, ok I wonder…” what is this? I feel like I’m part of some experiment, some lab monkey just constantly on a penile length quest and your googlephycisists or whatever are like, ‘interesting, interesting, mwahahaha, fools!”

Speaking of penile lengths, safe search. What a waste of my time. You know how frustrating it is to spend half an hour image searching “hentai manga” and not find anything? (This was for research, people.  Research for my super popular other blog. I swear. Also, I can’t really provide any links without worrying about my mom so instead I offer you this.)  Finally I realize the worthless ‘safe search’ is on. Lame. Remove it please. The children will just have to get therapy.

Finally, the search itself is not always effective and I know how to run a search. Most of you are probably a few keywords, maybe you enjoy the automatic fill in.  Then some of you click advanced search and build it that way. Very nice. I, however, am thousands of dollars in debt all to learn how to search like a master. I’m talking strings like, ‘cheese “popcorn season*” -kernel”

Which basically translates into: popcorn season(ing)(s)(er) cheese NO WORD KERNEL

And google is all, “Oh ok, popcorn seasoning -kernel? Here you go, Kernel Seasonings… What are you gonna do? I’m Google.”

Damn you, damn you.