They say that if you keep a diary or journal (what’s the difference?), that you’ll be more centered or something. I guess it’s about getting your emotions on paper or reliving your day or writing down your erotic fantasies to revisit later.  The problem with diaries is that they are a pain in the ass. Writing my life down on a tiny piece of paper with a stiff spine – who’s got time for that shit.

I’ve got more important things to do, like morph myself with Miley Cyrus.

My mom must know this and since she loves me and wants me to be centered in my fantasies, she gave me a simple diary for Christmas.  Basically, it’s already pretty much filled out you just have to fill in the blanks or choose a multiple choice question.  Simple!

But I’m a generous person so I’m sharing with you. You can play along and then you will be able to resist that urge to line every book up with the edge of the shelf and then shove them all back to the back and then repeat. Not that I ever feel like that, please, that’s just crazy.

Ok, page 1:

Congratulations. (thanks!) You got simple diary™ in ROYAL BLUE. (Uh, ok diary I’m already sort of scared by your insistence on the royal blue)

This could mean that you

a.) like Porto Ercole b.) are a thinker (define thinker. because, ok,  I have thoughts but it’s not like I think about them, more like they just pop into my head then I undress them and charge them $5 if they want to take pictures) c.) dislike muffins

(Well crap. None of those things are true for me. Maybe I like Porto Ercole? I don’t even know what that is. Hang on, consulting the Goog. – ah! ok, I choose A. I’m kind of sad that my simple diary is more well traveled than I am.)

WHAT YOU MIGHT NEED RIGHT NOW: (*sob* quit yelling at me simple diary *sniff*)

  1. someone to tell you (this option seems unfinished)
  2. Oscar Peterson (who? Dammit, diary, I have to consult Goog again?)
  3. stop your nicety! (mean!)
  4. less salt on French fries (french fries are barf)
  5. cosmic breeding (yeah, I do need more of that)
  6. trim the hedges (are you suggesting brazilian?)
  7. racing stripes (racing stripes are double barf)
  8. a hummingbird (now that’s just stupid)
  9. goodwill (meh)
  10. a light suitcase (got one already)

Ok, I guess I’ll go with #5.

In so many ways, you can’t wait for this ________. Hello, 3D television of course. I’m only about 3D now. HD can suck it.

Everything you like about yourself is about to get better. (how is that even possible?)You have a discerning eye and wrinkle your nose at mundane events (also, farts) step back and give to the less fortunate, (ughhh, really? that’s so much work), sharing your delirious (drunk) happiness.  It is phenomenally fascinating how you daydream of chubby creatures (!), for instance the baby hippopotamus. (great, my simple diary is fucking high).

There you have it! Fill out your answers below. Let’s share this path to (simple) self discovery!

For good measure, here's a baby hippo with his turtle friend.