Today I assume that anyone getting therapy is talking about the Oscars. I’m not positive because, you know, I can’t actually afford to spend $1,000 a minute (or whatever) talking about the Oscars. I don’t even like the Oscars. Yet, somehow I watched part of it.
Basically, it was because we turned on the TV and there was Mo’Nique. And I was all, “oh yeah, Mo’nique!” and it just went downhill from there.
Danny: Who’s Mo’Nique? Is that her husband? What did she win for?
Me: Shut it. I want to hear her speech. Her husband is really supportive and skinny. Oh my god, she thanked her lawyer! This is the greatest speech in the history of this shitshow!
On the tribute to horror.
Me: A tribute to a genre? Pointless.
Danny: I haven’t seen half of these.
Me: You haven’t lived.
Danny: There’s Scream.
Me: Scream is the greatest movie ever made.
*Interjection: Scream really is the greatest movie EVER made EVER. Well, maybe a tie with Cabin Boy… I have a lot of reasons for thinking this and I’ll be happy to spend an hour telling you them if you want. No? Ok.*
On visual effects or whatever
Me: My god, why are we all acting like James Cameron’s sperm tastes like strawberries?
Danny: Because he’s made the two top grossing films of All Time. And because his *** really is delicious.
Yes, I censored. Turns out I do have a line. Danny doesn’t. Hilarious.
Me: She was all, “hey you know that frozen yogurt miracle Passionberry? Yeah, what I need you to do is go there, and squeeze out some, I don’t know, fuckinnn citrus flavor – look at how it sits in the cup. Then, dahress mah”.
On whatever award Tay Laut presented
Me: Taylor? Your gay is showing.
Danny: who the hell ARE these people?
Me: I don’t know who’s standing next to…oh, no wait, I think that’s supposed to be Kristen Stewart. Sad. Did she just hark? At the Oscars?
On the wave at the dead segment
Danny: This is the part where I’m always like, ‘oh yeah that person died.’
Me: Yup. Oh yeah, Natasha Richardson died and with her the security that your kid could bump his head and be ok.
Danny: Brittany Murphy, what did she die of?
Me: Anorexia probably.
Danny: You can’t die of anorexia.
Danny: I heard she had the flu.
Me: Yeah she died of the flu before anorexia. I’m going to put this on my blog so other people can tell you how smart that sounds.
On the best actress award
Me: UUuugggghhhh, shut up. Why do they do this? I don’t even care.
Danny: Me either.
On Sandy Bullock’s win
Me: Ha, wouldn’t it be awesome if right then her husband just whispered, “I want a divorce bitch.”
Me: Good dress, I like when people look like they’ve been painted with crusty jewels. Aw, sweet funny speech. Good job Sandy. Don’t forget to thank that dead ferret on your shoulder…oh wait, that’s your hair? Huh.
On the best actor award
Danny and Me: SHUT UP. God, these things are horrible. They really are. I don’t see why we have to go through this.
Danny: Who is Jeremy Renner?
Me: He was in that movie about Jeffrey Dahmer.
Me: What? It was a good movie.
Danny: That’s the Dude right?
Me: Yeah. He should have won best actor for life for that movie. I hate when actor’s treat their acceptance speech like a part. It’s unauthentic and annoying. That beard is gross.
On the best director award
Danny: I don’t even know half of these people or things. How do people know about this stuff.
On the best picture
Me: Wow, that was fast. Tommy Hanks was just all, “Hurt Locker bye.”
Danny: I wish District 9 would have won.
Me: Me too.
Danny: She just thanked hazmat.
Me: I wonder if people get sick of being thanked for their tiny, dangerous existences at an awards show honoring people who made millions off of those existences. I would be like, ‘shove it bitch. I’m sitting here in goddamn Iraq eating bombs. Great, dandy for you you that you made a movie but just thank your mother and be done with it.’
Me: Maybe not though. I don’t know.
Other things included Danny getting mad that they didn’t show more of the technical awards. Dork.
Did you watch it? What did you think of the dresses? That’s really the only part I like. Also, Jeremy Renner – hot or not? I’m leaning toward hot.