I’m posting first thing in the morning! After some really technical analysis, I was able to determine that most of you read before the late afternoon. This tells me lots about you. It tells me that you are a.) probably at work or something with access to internet and b.) you are not hungover. Concerning. But, responsible. I guess those cancel each other out.
A couple days ago on my incredibly popular graphic novel blog (sporting 15 readers a day y’all!) I did a little piece about the graphic novels I lie about reading. I thought that I might do that here too since talking about books you hate without even opening them up is judgemental. And judgement = fun.
Here’s the top 5 books I’ve totally (not) read:
1. The Time Travelers Wife – the title gets me here. I am a wife and you know what? It’s bo’ring. Which is good, actually. You don’t want a drama filled marriage. Just ask Brit. She knows. She should have written this book, I totally would have read it then. Anyway, I also didn’t like the time traveling part because the only thing I hate worse than my own era (digital age holla!) is someone else’s. Then Oprah said she reads it and that was the death knell. I love me some O but damn, her book club is atrocious and not library friendly. Turns out, thanks to wikipedia and the author’s heavy reliance on plot, this book is really easy to lie about.There’s also a movie. I know this because a friend was all, “Oh look a movie with Eric Bana! *squeeeel*”
Me: Who’s Eric Bana?
Friend: (looking at me like I just killed a man) You don’t know who Eric Bana is?
Me: Unless he’s a world leader I refuse to feel bad about this.
Friend: He was The Hulk.
Friend: Um the bad one.
Me: Well fuck that guy then. I hate all Hulk anyway. You know who I like? Wolverine. But, he’s not cool anymore
Friend: That Origins movie sucked
For the record, this beautiful baby is Gambit.
Me: Shut the – ok, yeah it was kind of bad. Gambit was cool though.
Friend: Who’s Gambit?
Me:…
Friend: Um. Eric Bana is pretty hot.
Me: Elija-
Friend: Shut up.
Long story short? I’m not seeing the damn movie either. So there.
2. Any Jane Austen book – I thought I had escaped having to lie about this once I got out of highschool. But nooooo some whore somewhere decide to start some kind of Austen revival. These books are long and no one gets shipped off to space or has graphic sex. What’s the point?
3. The Dark Tower series – I’m actually kind of embarrassed about this. I’m a huge fan of Stephen King. Oh my god, though – did anyone read Under the Dome? Raaaalph. I didn’t even finish it. Sad. Anyway, I intend to read these books…someday.
4. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe – close your mouth. I have my reasons.
5. Marley and Me – doglover’s are freaking pit bulls (puntastic!) over this book. About a dog. I repeat, this entire book is about a DOG. It got a movie made. I’m sure it’s very heartwarming and whatnot but snooooze. I lie about reading it though because people will hound (!!!) you to no end if you haven’t read it. Back off bitches (aaaah!!!).
So, fess up, what books do you lie about reading? What books will you bug people to read? Did you read and love/hate/sleep with any of the books on this list?
If you start a book conversation with me, I’ll probably bring up The Sparrow and Feed, great books.
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February 26, 2010 at 9:17 am
Katherine
Just because I’m reading your blog at work at 9 am does not mean I’m not hungover!
February 26, 2010 at 10:44 am
winklybink
I’m so proud of you.
February 26, 2010 at 9:44 am
Elisa
Alright, I feel pressure from you, so I guess I’ll spill the beans…
Although I have a degree in English…I have not read half the books I was supposed to. Whew! That kinda felt good to say. When I was in college and realized that I didn’t ever actually want to have a “real” job I decided that I didn’t have to do well in classes, I just had to get through…so for a ‘C’ paper all it took was some skimming of books and some creative writing.
But, one book I constantly lie about reading even now that I am out of school is: Little Women Although, I do intend on reading it one day.
February 26, 2010 at 10:45 am
winklybink
That’s such a good lesson in both knowing what you want out of life and staying in school just for the parties. I mean, you didn’t come out and say that but I get you. I get you.
I’ve never read Little Women either.
February 26, 2010 at 10:55 am
Lizz
But Austen has zombies and sea monsters now! Not spaceships, I know. But you were probably already aware of this, being in the lib industry and all. So…yay?
February 26, 2010 at 11:38 am
winklybink
Have you read it? It looks interesting but kind of noveltyish. World War Z is a good zombie book.
February 26, 2010 at 11:02 am
The Good Aunt
First, for Elisa, if you have not read ‘Little women’ then how can you possibly know which of the quintessential female stereotypes you fall into? Are you the good girl, the tomboy, the slut or the victim? Truly ‘Little Women’ will open your eyes on this so that you will be able to appropriately fit into one of the 4 niches. Although it turns out to be quite depressing when, as in my case, I assumed all along that I would be Jo because she was the most interesting, even though I have not one single solitary shred of tomboyishness, but it turns out that everybody else thought I was Meg. Sigh, I so dislike being the good girl ;-(
Second, for Sadie, come on – Jane Austin rocks because her females are actually the heroes – not ornaments but actual smart, funny, see through the garbage of their society heroes. And, here is the best part, the men are brooding, good-looking and wear really, really tight pants. No actual need to read Jane Austen but watch the PBS series – they are quite true to the books and you get to actually see, not just imagine, the brooding, good-looking men in really, really tight pants.
And, yes – there are lots of books that I have not read but since everybody else has, I don’t have to. Like any of Tolstoy’s or any other Russian authors books – seriously each and every character has about 5 names they go by and are impossible to keep straight and the weather sucks in every book. I could never ever get through even one. Any of John Gresham’s books – hmmm, they seem too popular. Any of Oprah’s book club books – I just know they are going to be ‘meaningful’ and no thanks. There are more of course, but hey I am at work here.
And I wait anxiously for you to outgrow the whole ‘Elijah’ thing!
February 26, 2010 at 11:40 am
winklybink
So I guess Sex in the City is the Little Women of our time? I’ve seen a few promotions for the PBS series but never watched them. If I want to see guys in really tight pants I’ll just go hang around Hot Topic or something.
I will never outgrow Eej, never.
February 27, 2010 at 9:51 am
Zeron
You’re such a Samantha.
February 27, 2010 at 12:48 pm
winklybink
I hate you.
February 27, 2010 at 9:48 am
Zeron
Books I lie about having read? The bible. I got so tired of people trying to educate me on biblical scripture or engage me in a theological discussion of it, that I finally just started answering “yes” when I’m asked.
Some fool: “Hey, you know that part in Ecclesiastes where–”
Me: “Oh yeah. Totally read it. Say no more. Really…”
I mean, I read a children’s version of the bible once that was mostly pictures so I can tell you exactly what John the Baptist looked like–he was white and wore cute sandals–but I’ll never care enough to agonize through that entire book, word for word.
Books that I’ll never stop pushing on people? Anything by David Sedaris. It’s better than than the best TV show; funny, sad, and unforgettable. Best of all: they’re incredibly quick reads. No attention span required. Enough said.
I also consistently push this book called “A Self-Made Man” by Norah Vincent. It’s the account of a woman who spends a year masquerading as a man and infiltrates several traditionally male-dominated organizations. It’s a fascinating look at gender relations as they occur in everyday life and it speaks to my experience as a gay man as well. You should read it if you haven’t and, if you have, you should talk to me about it endlessly.
February 27, 2010 at 12:53 pm
winklybink
Ah, haha! I totally almost listed the Bible! I had a children’s version of the bible that was like a comic book but I don’t really remember being all that into it. Knowing what John the Baptist looked like is really useful information because you can be like, ‘the guy with the snazzy sandals? oh yes, I”m familiar.”
I’ve never heard of a “A Self-Made Man” but it sounds like a book that I need to read. I’ll order it Monday and then I’ll call you and be all like, ‘omg this booook.’ and you’ll be all like ‘omg I know sister.’
March 1, 2010 at 10:43 am
brianne renwick
I haven’t read any of those books and I didn’t for the same reasons you didn’t! After months of whining and begging I finally gave in to my sisters request to read the Blackdagger Brotherhood series, which (I hate admitting this) is actually good. A lot of the romantic stuff makes me nauseated, but the violence makes up for it. (Almost.)
March 1, 2010 at 1:41 pm
winklybink
ha! You love violence. I haven’t heard of these Blackdagger books but I’m intrigued. I’m ok with romance as long as there’s copious amounts of nudity and no love declarations. What is it about a man declaring his love that just turns me off?
March 1, 2010 at 5:05 pm
Zeron
Oh, Samantha.
March 2, 2010 at 9:30 am
winklybink
I hate you more than ever.