So, according to my mother, this blog is, in fact, offensive.  But I’m not sure if I trust her judgement since it was the thong post that put her over the edge.  The thong post?  She was fine with hairy truckballsacs but thongs must rub her the wrong way (ha!) or something.  I don’t know.  She’s got another daughter besides me – time to start pouring all your hopes and reams into that jug mom because thongs have a way of invading my life.

Maybe she has a point.  In case you didn’t see by the juggling woman, I’m a mother now. I need to focus on helping and nurturing you bitches bright young men and women.  I begin my new mission today.  With a tutorial.  Listen up class, you’re about to get schooled on how to take down a famous(ish) person’s stupid little role playing game.

*Disclaimer:  Look, now that I’m a mother, I actually feel a little bit bad about my actions as a young, awesome world destroyer.  BUT before you feel to bad for those involved, know that online RPG is not about living in an imaginary land created by your favorite authorIt looks like it on the surface but it’s not ok?  I need to spell it out for you??? S-E-X.  Of the geek kind. *

*Disclaimer to the disclaimer:  I have no problems with geek s-e-x.  Though until the day it gets all Aerosmith Amazing, I’m opting out.*

OK, here we go:

Lesson 1: Try peace first, when in rome and all that

If you want to visit someone’s online world based on a series of boring ass dragon books, it’s best to go in peace.  Sign on as the popular character Guest.  Walk around, feel the sun on your face, get chewed out for having elephants on your pants, get ignored in the pub.  Discover that the world is entirely too rigid and annoying to ever exist.  You’ve tried peace and it’s not working out.

Lesson 2: Recruit some friends

Preferably one with good computer skillz and one who’s charming.  Your combined efforts as a team are what make this work.

Lesson 3:  Start out on the offensive

Baby version of the octopus suit

Baby version of the octopus suit

Elephants are offensive.  For serious?  How do you like complete nudity?  Or a giant octopus suit.

Lesson 4: Steal shit

It’s so easy.  People don’t often lock up their virtual possessions.  Morons.

Lesson 5:  Build a trophy case to put your stolen shit in

Self explanatory

Lesson 6: Know how the game works BEFORE you build a trophy case

For example, it’s good to know that people can see their objects no matter where the object is.  So when they go looking for it they read “YOUR STUPID GLASS DRAGON IS IN ZERON’S TROPHY CASE IN THE Z TENT IN THE VOLCANO”.  Another good lesson is not have a bunch of stolen shit in your bag when you come on the poeleece at your hideout.  Which brings us to

Lesson 7:  Learn to love prison

Prison sucks.

Lesson 8:  Find new ways to infiltrate

In this particular game, there were ways to build pets.  You could operate your pet or dragon (dragons were considered super awesome to have and I consider it a great coup that the team managed to get one).  The best thing about this sort of infiltration is that it’s subtle.  No one notices a dog until he yells, “GET OUT THE WAY, BITCH”.

Lesson 9:  Expect retaliation

It may come in the form of getting kicked off the game.  Make a new screen name.  It may come in the form of getting your IP address blocked.  Move computers.  Stay strong.

Lesson 10:  Have fun with it, try to bring other players into your world

Like, picking them up when they are sleeping and moving them to the bottom of the ocean.  Players love waking up in new and unusual destinations!

Lesson 11:  Diplomacy can be nice too

If you’re invited to talk to the head honcho in the OOC (out of character) part of the game do it.  It’s a chance to hear a lot of whining and you can convince them that you really want to play nice.  Suggest a thieving guild.  Of course, there is no intention to follow up on this as that is effort and not fun.

What? Is that a guy in a moose sweater? Moose don't live in Pern. KILL HIM MY MINIONS!

Lesson 12: Winning

How will you know you’ve won?  Getting an email from a famous(ish) author stating that she’ll shut down the entire game if you don’t stop is a sure sign.  The entire game, all 14 of those poor actual players would lose their entire game.  Tsk tsk.  So many rules.  These characters are fiction.  They don’t actually exist. Which is to say, that if someone shows up in Pern with elephants on their pants the world will not explode.  The books will not be rewritten.  Chilllllll.  I also distrust anyone who pushes for good taste.  Makes me wonder what kind of S&M swing they’ve got hanging in their basement.

Lesson 13: Being the bigger man

You’ve won, no reason to rub it in and certainly no reason to kill the whole game.  Send a peace offering to the head of the game.  I do not suggest “pair of boobies”.  While it might seem like a great idea at the time, chances are this particular breed of player may have never seen a boob so he will have no idea what he’s got.  Then you may find that the servers in your building are blocked.  But you can rest easy knowing you tried to make things right.

Tally ho Dragonriders.

Hope this helps – Sutra a.k.a. Calliope a.k.a. Guest#375

*Final Disclaimer:  I don’t feel like I should have to say this but I’m going to anyway.  Just in case people have Ms. McCaffrey on google alerts or some other stalky thing.  I respect authors, even ones who write boring books.  I respect that they put a lot of effort and work into building worlds that 5 people care about.  I joke when I say Ms. M is a pile of dragondung.  Joking.  Really I would fall at her feet and beg her to sign my dragon tattoo if I actually met her.*