I missed therapy Monday. I’m sorry. I was busy chasing after the boys and they don’t understand sitting still, shutting up and letting me blarg all over the internet. Though, Fox has been known to say, “Mommy’s checking her farm.” But this isn’t about my former addiction to Farmtown. I got therapy for that.
I need some serious therapy to get over the travesty that befell me this Valentine’s. Drama. Christmas kicks off seasonal candy, uh, season. Some people claim Halloween has seasonal candy but that’s some bullshit. Halloween candy is just regular candy dressed up as seasonal candy. The true meaning of seasonal candy is to offer a confection that’s not available any other time of year. The major celebration is, of course, Easter. Sweet sweet seasonal Easter….mmm.
But Valentine’s isn’t too shabby either thanks to the candy heart. Witty and crunchy and some say chalky I say yummy. The white ones are the best, then yellow, then purple, then green, then orange and finally pink. These hearts are the only thing that keep me from stabbing a bitch. Red and pink irritate me and of course all the stores look like someone walked in a barfed pink/red sparkles all over everything. So then I have to try and not look but that’s impossible. Then I try and hold my breath because, while I think sparkles are nice, I’m slightly paranoid about inhaling them. Then I get home and my baby is sparkle covered which – pretty! but also, – ugh, now I have to commit to a bath.
Anyway, moving past this, I can always count on good old Sweethearts. Until, this year.
God. damn. you. sweet. heart. i will rip your faces off and feed them to Punxsutawney Phil.
They changed the recipe. Not the packaging *UPDATE: Candyblog has a full review and I guess they did change the packaging but I didn’t notice*– so you think you’re getting the usual hearty splendor and then ‘pppth, ew gross! what the what is this?’ Here’s where I actually threw the bag down and screamed “are you kidding me?”
I have anger issues – we covered that right?
The new recipe is fruity. As in, the fucking hearts taste like fruit. Bleeeech. And they aren’t crunchy, kind of powdery chewy. Bleeeeeeech. AND they added blue. BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHHH
Blue is not a flavor. It’s a gender identifying color. Pink manages to be both thanks to pepto bismol. Pepto started a pink flavor revolution. I’m fine with that because, before Sweethearts went and lost their minds, I really like that pink peptoish flavor. Also, starberry pink starbursts are good too. Blue has not enjoyed such a revolution and should not be included in my seasonal candy line up.
I cried. Sat on the floor and sobbed and fed my dog gross new Sweethearts hoping he would have some kind of horrible but not deadly reaction so I could sue them and make them return to the original flavor.
Here’s what Necco has to say about the situation:
New Sayings & Colors
For the first time in 145 years, Sweethearts® discarded all its previous phrases and asked the American public to tell us how they express their love. The 2010 Sweethearts® are featured in bright and bolder new colors.
Asking the American public to express themselves is about the worst fucking idea you can have. Fucking Necco. You know what you get when you ask an American? No Fat Chicks. Hope you like your new shit slogans, losers.
New Flavors & Texture
All new flavors for 2010 Sweethearts® include Strawberry, Green Apple, Lemon, Grape, Orange and Blue Raspberry. The new Sweethearts® have been re-formulated to be softer and more fun to eat.
Lemon! They replaced yums bananas with lemon? They are not at all more fun to eat. That is false.
New Line Extensions & Innovation
Sweethearts® new line extensions include Sugar-Free, Dazzled Tarts, En Español and Chocolate. This is the first time the company has put a DAZZLED© finish on TARTS.
A DAZZLED finish? on TARTS? Well, felicidades, Necco you – ok, yeah dazzled tarts actually sound pretty awesome.
Do you like this new candy? Don’t you think it sneaky of them to not personally call me and ask my opinion of it?
*UPDATED IMPORTANT WARNING: Do not google “new sweethearts suck”*