Sometimes, I think the universe is trying to communicate with me. Signs and all that, or like, ok this one time? When we lived in that little house on 16th the phone rang and I was all, ‘ugh phone why are you on me with the ringing?’ because I don’t like answering phones. But this day I felt compelled to pick it up. I did and immediately this crazy bitch starts freaking out on me with this real urgent sounding message…in Chinese.
I know! Madness. So I was like, ‘umm, sorry wrong number’ but she wouldn’t calm down and I just hung up. This happened two more times over the week. Each time I was the one that answered the phone, even when Danny was home, and people, I do not answer phones. If you’ve ever tried to call me you know this. The only rational conclusion was that the universe was trying to tell me something urgent. Only the universe? Speaks fucking Chinese!
Needless to say, I did not get that message. Hopefully it wasn’t that big a deal and I really hope Universe doesn’t expect me to do something like save the world or recruit a super cool mutant to go bust my girlfriend out of an secret government facility.
Truck nutz. With a z. A “z”, that makes it even worse.
No, I’m not going to include a picture. Because, uh. Offensive.
I’m not a prude or anything but… It offends my sensibilities. It does. And it’s not like I can look away, or change the channel or put the book down. I can drive into oncoming traffic but short of that? What?
Here’s my list of why I hate them:
- They are just gross. They are vieny and wrinkly and old manish. If I had a testicle mold i would make sure it was like the superman of balls – not some true to life dangly mess.
- My english major brain can’t wrap my mind around them. What am I supposed to think of these nutz? Is it literal? Like I’m to assume that along with its nuts your truck has some kind of a heart and functioning kidneys? Why? I tend to think this cause the nuts are so real looking… Or maybe a metaphor – for how much of a bad ass you and/or your truck is? This makes sense I suppose, especially for the tendency to associate balls with brawn or something. Or maybe it’s just some kind of analogy? I don’t know!!
- It makes me wonder about the Truck Nutz counterpart. Can you imagine trucks driving around with Truck Labiaz? I don’t want to have to wonder about this!
- Look, you’re driving a giant, unnecessary truck. So, I already know you’re a dick; there’s no need to add a set of silver testes to it. That’s just redundant.
Why am I seeing all these things? What is it Universe? Why me?