Finally, my life is complete.  Thanks to Saturday AND Sunday’s viewing of  a brilliant LTO (that’s Lifetime Original but if you didn’t already know that then I really can’t speak to you) The Pregnancy Pact.

Let’s relive it here in all it’s squeelish, Birchy glory.

It started on Saturday when Danny announced he was going to leave to do something blah blah not listening just hoping he will get the hell out so I can watch in peace already!  And, car pulling out….waiting…gone – LTO baby!

I’m especially into this one because I straight loved all the excitement that surrounded the true story of these girls in Massachusetts who maybe, maybe not made a pact to all get pregnant and then did it.  Which is pretty damn impressive and ambitious so on the one hand my hat is off to them.  On the other hand, you know, sad.  But whatever on those girls because now they are played by pretty faces and broken down into a Lifetime stereotype – the best kind there is, am I right?

We start off right away with some vlogger and we can’t really tell what her character is feeling because she’s being played by Thora Birch.  Awesome.  Oh, she’s all worked up about the preggos in her hometown (of course it’s her hometown) and reminiscing about how she got pregnant there too (of course she did).  So she decides to run off and vlog all about it, leaving her Asian friend to run the somewhat plush office – who’s funding this charade?  Oh, and take in the color while you can because after we leave Asian girl it’s nothing but white people.  This is Lifetime and Massachusettes so there you go.

Then we meet school nurse Cameron Manheim!  Hey, Cam, looking frumpy and thoughtful and super concerned – ooooh.  Drama.  Some girl – holy shit, is that? no, is it???  – wow, I thought the Karissa character was Alex Mack but she’s not so… sorry.

<—— Alex Mack

——–> Not Alex Mack

Anyway, Karissa is super klassy and brings School Nurse a pregnency test to read.  Ew!  And also, is she that big a moron she can’t read her own?  She’s not knocked up and goes all sad back to her friends and School Nurse is all ‘whaaa?’

Then we meet my favorite pregnanteen, Rose.  She’s brassy and smokes and has no mother plus she’s unapologetically pregnant so you know things are not going to end well for her.

So Sidney, that’s Thora, ends up in Glouschester which is really annoying to spell so I’m saying “Glou”.  She ends up in Glou and immediately gains access to everywhere.  She’s that good.

Meanwhile, the “good” girl Sara, who is charmingly played by Madisen Beaty, gets busy on getting pregnant with her cute boyfriend Jesse.  I have to give it to these two, they are very real feeling and actually their relationship was one of the most enjoyable things about this for me.

Then School Nurse and Sara’s Mom get into it at a school board meeting.  These things are always so much more exciting on tv than in real life aren’t they?  Anyway, SN wants to hand out contraception and Mom is all “not on my watch” and SN is like, “Well then I quit.”  Pussy.

We get some stupid side story about how Sidney got pregnant by the now vice-principal who wanted her to keep it.  But she didn’t.  She got the hell out of Glou and then gave it up for adoption. Which she announces on her vlog before she tells him.  Nice.  They deal and I’m bored.  I liked it better when we thought she had an abortion but this is Lifetime and no one actually makes that sort of decision here.

Moving on!

Sidney sucks at doing a decent vlog but she’s great at blurting out everyone’s secrets.  That’s how Jesse learns Sara got pregnant on purpose.  Ruh-roh!  He’s understandably a little upset.  But Sidney is thrilled with her little discovery.  My favorite part in the whole movie is when Rose is like, ‘A pact? I don’t even know what that word means!’ with her bad ass innocent/don’t givea face.  And lame Sidney is like ‘It’s an agreement.’ and Rose just smirks, ok then.  Ah Rose.  I love you enough to babysit your poor bastard child.

Wah being a teen mom to a plastic doll is really hard!

Anyway, let’s just forget Sidney and her part and focus on the trainwreck that is Sarah’s family.  They fall apart at the news, trying to figure out who’s responsible and how to get a spot in daycare.  And Sara is shocked, shocked to find out that Jesse isn’t exactly thrilled to be Baby Daddy so she drinks.  Like, a lot.  But she’s ok.  So preggos?  Drink up!

Then comes the Very Important Lesson where we learn that young motherhood is not a bed of roses.  Rose shows us that babies cry, your stinky old grandmother is crotchety and your boobs hurt.  But then Sara shows us that young motherhood is kind of, well a bed of sweet smelling roses.  Though I have to say that the final image of her teenage room, with clothes scattered everywhere and her posters on the wall plus the crib in the room was kind of powerful – in that LTO way.

You know, with all the speculation about what leads to high rates of pregnancy: – lack of birth control, lack of parental involvement, lack of sex education, too much sexual imagery, wanting boyfriends to stay around, low self esteem – they miss the biggest point:

Teenagers are stupid.

The End.